


Strawberries

by Drachenkinder



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: AU, Angst, Drug Withdrawal, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Inspired by the art of golikethatcat, Loki and Thor Are Not Related, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Whump, cousins by marriage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2020-04-06 05:11:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 41,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19055884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drachenkinder/pseuds/Drachenkinder
Summary: Alternate universe short, inspired by one of golikethatcat's beautiful drawings.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Golikethat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Golikethat/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor meets his cousin Loki for the first time when he joins their family. Teen to adult years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [golikethatcat made this beautiful art.](https://golikethatcat.tumblr.com/post/178810691814/inktober-loki-drooling) please check it out and take a look at the rest of his incredible work.  
> [](https://www.flickr.com/gp/28806674@N08/Lw4703)  
> 

Strawberries

His thumb is calloused  
and pulls the tender skin  
catching the red sweet drop  
that stains the corner of a mouth  
leery of kisses. 

He smears it back  
pressing a little too roughly  
darkening the pink lips  
with the taste of summer  
that feels like a bruise.

Wide eyes do not trust  
nor dare to hope for kindness  
the past is too close  
like a raised hand  
which has not descended.

There is no resistance  
only quiet compliance  
and the unspoken wish  
for a gentle heart. 

********

It was June and Thor was enjoying fresh strawberries heaped over his mother’s homemade shortcake with enough whipped cream to bury the bright red fruit in swirls of spattered white. He’d emptied the can to try an experiment Fandral had urged on him. The only result of was a temporary minor headache and a coughing fit. That’s how he remembered their introduction. Sitting in shorts at the old picnic table, a tightness lingering in his chest, a slight dull pain between his brows and the sweet taste of strawberries in his mouth. He’d been trying get a seed out from between his front teeth when his parents stepped into the backyard with the pale gangly boy with eyes like a frightened deer. 

Loki, was his name. His cousin, who Thor had never met, who was going to live with them. His new little brother. He’d be sharing Thor’s room. 

Thor almost choked. Anger had exploded out of him. He’d yelled and stomped around and been a total asshole. He could admit that now, he’d been fifteen at the time and what teenager wants to share a room with a total stranger? His father had bellowed back and Odin had a voice that could scare the pigeons off the roof, but Thor was too upset to back down this time. The more they yelled, the more the boy shrunk into himself, trying to hide behind Frigga until she finally raised her voice and used that tone which both of them knew better to disregard. So Loki had moved in, a secondhand bed loaned then bought from the neighbors shoved into Thor’s space. Another dresser was brought in and Thor’s coats and winter things boxed up and put in the attic. He’d wished he could shove Loki in a box and put him there too. It somehow made it worse that the kid was so self-effacing the first months. And cringy. God, it had angered Thor how Loki flinched if Thor turned around too fast, or raised his voice.

The Borrson household was loud. Thor thundered and stomped and was careless where he dropped his things or threw his arms when he was talking. Odin’s voice was anything between a low rumble to an outright roar. Frigga had had to compensate for the noise of her men and her tones, though more pleasant could ring out over the general chaos and bring them to order. Loki was a silent shadow that slunk warily around the edges of rooms and took refuge in the relative quiet at the far end of the yard where Frigga had planted a flower garden. It was safe behind a white painted fence, the tall pickets imparting a sense of privacy, and more importantly protecting the roses and bougainvillea from running feet and kicked soccer balls.

That was another thing which annoyed Thor. He had tried out for the soccer team that year and made it. He was big and fast and so practiced that coach had told him right off he was in. Loki had, to Thor’s amazement, tried out also. If Thor was fast, Loki was quicksilver, darting between opponents like a flicker of green light in his too small uniform. The little shit was in his grade, even though he was two years younger. Thor had been held back from school a year to give his slow stumbling tongue time to catch up. Loki, on the other hand had been bumped up a year, too sharp to stay with his age group. He excelled in class even then, quickly becoming that most hated of students, the example of “what you could do if you really tried.”

Loki could have been put another year ahead if both teachers and Thor’s parents had not decided he needed the “socialization of his peers.” Something Loki had no use for. He let his disdain for the other students show. Which lead to Loki being ostracized and bullied. Not that the bullying lasted. Loki had a nasty way of paying back those who tried it. He didn’t need Thor stepping in to help. Not that Thor had particularly wanted to, he just hated seeing anyone being bullied. Besides that kind of thing undermined the team, which Loki had made.

Thor sighed remembering. They had worked together well in the games and that comradery had led, first to a truce at home, and then to an actual friendship. The deciding incident happened when their team won the championship that year. Loki had come off the field afterward with Thor, beaming one of his few rare smiles. Odin had greeted Thor on the sidelines with a massive bear hug and back pats and “I’m so proud of you son.” Loki had stepped forward still grinning and extended his hand to Odin. Thor had expected his father to pull Loki into a hug also. He’d never shied away from showing Thor’s friends affection. Instead he’d looked at Loki’s hand as if it was something disgusting and turned away to speak to another parent. The look of utter devastation on Loki’s face disappeared in an instant and his extended hand was used to swipe sweat from his face. Loki also turned around and stared back over the emptying field.

Thor saw red. Without conscious thought he grabbed his father’s shoulder, jerked him around and crashed his fist into Odin’s face with enough force to break his nose. Odin’s stunned reaction was long enough for several of the onlookers to pile in between the two and prevent a fight. 

Loki, of course, acted as contrary as he always did. Avoiding Thor for days and shrinking away from him when they were forced into company. But this time Thor had learned why and he kept his temper and allowed Loki time to approach at his own speed. Thor had overheard his parents arguing while banished to his room.

“We should have never taken the boy in. He’s a bad seed. Look at how he’s turned Thor against me.”

“He’s Ve and Laufey’s child. It’s the least we could do for him. If you didn’t constantly treat him as an unwanted obligation...”

“He is an unwanted obligation and he’s not my brother’s child. The boy was five when Laufey married him and she should have put Loki in an institution after what he did.”

“He was a little boy.”

“He murdered his own father.”

“Only to protect his mother. It was Farbauti’s own fault. Where do you think Loki learned to threaten him with the gun? He was only doing what he’d see Farbauti do to them.”

“Was Ve’s death his own fault? Or Laufey’s?”

“Odin you know good and well they were killed in a car accident. Loki certainly didn’t make a truck driver fall asleep at the wheel and swerve into their car. Or was it his fault Ve drank too much to get out of the way in time?”

“We have only Loki’s word for what happened. He might have caused it himself.”

“The police agreed with his story Odin, it fit the facts. You know Ve's drinking had increased.”

“And whose fault was that? That woman would drive anyone to drink with her constant nagging.”

“Odin Borrson if you are about to blame Laufey, for your brother abusing her and Loki, I would suggest you stop right there.”

There had been a muttering and grumbling followed by Odin’s voice pitched softer. Thor had, had to strain to hear it.

“No. Of course not. It’s only that trouble seems to follow the boy like ravens follow death.”

“It’s not his fault his mother had horrible taste in men. I suggest you try _not_ to follow their example, and treat Loki as the child he is. He needs a father’s love no matter how he may resist it.”

“How can I love him when I can barely stand him? Every time I look at him I’m reminded of Ve’s death.”

“You are a better man then that, Odin. You raised Thor to be a good man also. He wouldn’t have been angry with you if you hadn’t. Give Loki a chance."

There had been more grumbling and the rest of the conversation was lost as they moved from the kitchen into the living room.

Thor had a lot to think about that day. All of Loki’s cringing and sidling made sense if Uncle Ve had taken the Borrson tendency to loud arguing into physical violence. That violence was in Thor also. This latest outburst was not the first time he’d been in a fight. To his credit, before then, he hadn’t started them, but he’d never been reluctant to engage in one either. It made him stop and reexamine his own behavior. He had been flaunting his physical strength at Loki in a not too subtle threat whenever Loki did something he hadn’t liked. Frigga had taken him aside after dinner, Loki still not home from a trip to the library, and gave him a further explanation. She was astute enough to know Thor would have heard them arguing. She also chided him on striking Odin. Thor had been thoroughly ashamed of his actions by the time Loki finally returned. 

There had been an exchange of apologies, Odin to Loki and Thor to Odin and later in their room, Thor to Loki. Loki had nodded quietly, but said nothing. It was clear he didn’t believe them, though given his background Thor couldn’t blame him. Too weeks later Loki brought home a pint of Ben and Jerry’s strawberry cheesecake ice cream with two spoons. Thor accepted the olive branch and their relationship improved.

True, they fought afterwards, but it had been as friends fight, or even as brothers. Something they were often mistaken for in later years, carrying the same last name and similar mannerisms of speech. Loki had even shot up to within an inch of Thor’s height and filled out somewhat, though not to Thor’s heavy build. There was a trust building in Loki. Odin had become cordial, if not loving and Loki accepted his change of behavior with a polite formality. The Borrson household’s overall noise had lowered, it still wasn’t a quiet home but Frigga was able to keep conversations at a normal volume. 

******

Thor was seventeen and attending a pool party at Sif’s house when it happened. He was flirting with the new girl, and midway through a slice of pie, when a flash of white and green caught his eye. He glanced toward the water to see Loki climb out of the pool, slender and graceful and laughing at something Heimdall had said. Loki’s pale skin was shining with water, his lean back was pink from sunburn, and his hair a wet tangle of curls just brushing his broadening shoulders. The poison green trunks had slipped low on his hips, and as he turned Thor could see the black trail that led down from his navel. Loki looked over at Thor and for a moment that open smile, those beautiful green eyes sparkled at him. Time came to a halt. Thor stared, his fork halfway to his mouth, the taste of strawberries and pie crust on his tongue. When had the boy he’d shared a room with for the two last years, changed from a gawky, scrawny kid into this vision of youthful beauty? Loki’s expression grew soft and Thor felt his heart skip a beat.

Then the girl leaned forward and snatched the bite of pie off his fork, her little hand curling on his bicep and Thor turned his head to look into her smiling face. He returned her smile in confusion. When he looked back, Loki was already walking away, toweling his hair dry, his robe draped over his arm. Fandral was trailing after him, chattering. The moment, whatever it had been, was gone. Loki stayed at Fandral’s that night and the two of them spent much of the summer together. Thor damped down his own unexpected reaction and focused on chasing after girls, racking up a solid reputation as a player his senior year in high school.

******

Things changed again in college. Thor got in on a sports scholarship, soccer and wrestling, though he was careful to keep his grades high. He majored in architecture while maintaining his team responsibilities, which left no time for the romantic pursuits. Loki was working on a degree in dance and theater with emphasis on the management side of things, though he was a talented dancer. His college was out of state and it wasn’t until the summer break he came home. He brought along his boyfriend Zach. 

Thor had known of his preference for men since high school and so had Frigga. But after his supposed fling with Fandral, Loki was so secretive about his personal affairs Thor never knew who exactly he was dating. The boyfriend reveal was a disaster from the start. Odin was angry, not because Loki was gay but because he’d kept it a secret and hadn’t given Odin time to get used to the idea. The ensuing shouting match was only the start. That Loki intended to put Zach in their room and move Thor onto the couch for the duration of the visit was another shock. Loki had never been anything but considerate. The entire idea of inviting a guest without first asking their parents or Thor was alien to the normally soft spoken and polite young man. He was evasive and sarcastic and accused Thor of homophobia when he tried to question Loki. Which they both knew was ridiculous. 

It was only later that day when Loki and Zach were reloading Loki’s car to find a hotel that Thor knew the worst of it. Zach was berating Loki about the long drive, the cost of the hotel and how he hadn’t stood up for Zach like he should have. Thor had watched from the laundry room as Loki took the scolding as if it were his due. It wasn’t until Zach started bad mouthing Thor that Loki had raised his head and said.

“Thor isn’t like that. He was worried about me.”

Zach’s reaction was to punch Loki hard, twice, his fist was raised for the third time when Thor barreled out of the house and grabbed his arm, meaning to beat the shit out of him. 

It only because Loki pulled Thor away and pleaded for him to go back in the house that Zach walked away with all his teeth.

“He’s not usually like this Thor.” Loki had said. “He’s disappointed that we can't stay and it was a bad semester...”

Loki’s excuses went on and on and Thor bowed to them. He had no say in who Loki decided to date. He could only hope his cousin would come to his senses. He deserved better than that loudmouthed loser.

Loki did come to his senses when Zach broke his arm and he almost lost his scholarship because of too many missed classes. But Zach was just the start. There were a string of similar tempered abusers all throughout college, who Loki flew to like moth to a flame. It made Thor sick to see. Unable to keep his mouth closed about the boyfriends, he began avoiding his cousin altogether.

After college Loki seemed to give up any attempt at relationships and focused on his career. He landed an assistant manager’s job in an established playhouse. A little staid, but a good starting place. He also began to write his own plays, something his boss encouraged. Thor, settled into a new marriage and his own career reached out and Loki responded. They began to mend their relationship again. First with phone calls and texts and then with the occasional visit. Loki was timid around Thor’s wife, though Jane tried to set him at ease. Eventually Thor took to meeting his cousin for lunches or an after work beer rather than deal with all the awkwardness.

Loki’s future was looking bright, right up until he met Andrew Gast, a manipulative older playwright who was known for liking pretty eye candy on his arm. He had promised to introduce Loki to his influential friends and help him get his plays performed at the hottest new venues. The only thing the Gast had actually introduced him to, was all night alcohol and drug fueled parties where Loki himself became the main performance.

After a two year hiatus Loki had washed up this morning on Thor’s doorstep half naked, brokenhearted, bruised and stoned out of his mind. Thor sighed again. He’d called an ambulance and followed them to the hospital, where it turned out Loki had no insurance, due to the loss of his most recent job, the month before. Thor signed for the costs. He wanted to strangle his cousin for this latest stupidity, except that Loki already looked as if someone had attempted that. Red hand prints encircled his pale throat and his harsh and gasping breath was one reason Thor hadn’t driven Loki to the emergency room himself.

Thor held his hand as Loki drifted in and out of consciousness. There was an IV in his arm to combat dehydration as the drugs worked their way out of his system. Luckily the damage to his throat was superficial and an ice pack was all that was needed for the moment. The hospital wanted to keep him overnight for observation and Thor had found himself reluctant to return home.

A nurse came in checked Loki’s vitals and gave Thor a sympathetic look. 

“He’ll be okay. If you want, there is a good rehab clinic here. I could give you the information for when your brother is discharged.”

“He’s not…” Thor started to say “my brother” and decided against it. Maybe a cousin wasn’t close enough to stay. “Thank you. That would be helpful.” 

Thor didn’t know if it really would be or not. But the woman meant well. They’d been standoffish at first and Thor had wondered about it, until one of the doctors asked to see his hands. He’s spread them out, understanding now what their unfriendly demeanor was about. At the obvious size difference between his hand and Loki's bruises the doctor became solicitous of Thor’s concern. The man asked if he knew who had done this to Loki and Thor regretfully had no answer. His suspicions didn’t count and Loki had refused to answer the doctors’ questions, the same as he had Thor’s. Thor only hoped he wouldn’t go running back to the bastard this time. 

The hours dragged by, only the steady beep of the machine and the occasional nurse visit to mark the time. Thor stroked his thumb over the back of Loki’s hand. He didn’t know why Loki kept recreating the circumstances of his childhood. It was as if he was somehow more comfortable when he knew the script, as terrible as it was. Or that he felt he deserved to be treated like shit. First Thor had been mad at the abusers, then he’d been mad at his cousin. Now though, he felt only a helpless sadness.

He reached over and brushed a strand of hair off the pale damp face and traced his fingers down the edge of Loki’s too sharp cheekbone. Loki’s eyelids fluttered open, his eyes bleary and unfocused.

“Thor?” Loki’s voice was a hoarse whisper, but for the first time since he’d pounded on Thor’s door, his words weren’t slurred.

“It’s me.”

“Where…” Loki’s eyes wondered around the room. “Why am I here?”

“What do you remember?”

Loki frowned, in concentration then a series of emotions flickered across his face, too fast for Thor to read. They ended with a flat expression of stubbornness.

“Nothing.”

Thor knew he was lying, and he knew Loki knew, he knew. He also knew when Loki looked like this he wasn’t going to say anything.

Thor huffed in exasperation.

“Gonna be like that is it?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” This little speech strained Loki’s throat and sent him into a coughing fit. Thor helped him sit up and poured him a glass of water. Another nurse peered past the curtain and then continued on his way, satisfied all was well. Loki lay back down and closed his eyes, but Thor doubted he was asleep. The sounds around them slowly increased as the night shift changed over to the day shift.

“I’m fine.” Loki said waking Thor from a doze. 

“Huh?”

“I’m fine. I’m leaving. Where are my clothes?” Loki said struggling to sit up.

“You are not fine. You’re not going anywhere until a doctor says you can.” 

Thor pushed him back down on the bed with one hand, startled at how prominent his ribs felt under the hospital gown.

“They can’t keep me here if I want to leave.” Loki panted. Clearly exhausted from the effort. “Where are my clothes?”

“If you mean the boxers and t-shirt you were wearing, I hope they’re in the trash. Your shoes are beside the bed. I have clean sweats for you when it’s time to leave.” 

Thor nudged a plastic shopping bag at his feet.

Loki narrowed his eyes. 

“I don’t need your charity.”

“Damn it Loki. Do you intend to walk out of here naked?”

“I’ll call Gast. He’ll bring me something. You don’t need to wait around.”

“Would that be the asshole Gast, you were crying about a few hours ago? You said that he’d dumped you.”

“Then I’ll call a friend. I don’t need your help.”

“Sure.” said Thor. He pulled out his phone and held it toward Loki. “You call your friend, let me talk to them so I know you aren’t lying and I’ll leave.”

“Go to hell!” Loki spat.

He turned on his side away from Thor. Thor put his phone away and sat back in the chair. He waited until Loki’s angry breathing had slowed. Waited until the tension went from his shoulders. Waited until Loki gave the long shuddering sigh that said he was ready to listen.

“Loki, come home with me. You can stay until you are back on your feet.” 

“I’m sure Jane will love that."

“I’ve been divorced from Jane for over a year.”

“Oh.” Loki’s voice lost all its sarcasm. There was a long silence while he mulled over Thor’s disclosure. 

“I’m sorry. She seemed a nice woman.”

“She is. We… we didn’t work out. She married another astrophysicist. They moved to Hawaii, there’s a telescope there...” Thor trailed off. “Anyway I have room. I could use the company.”

“I wouldn’t want you to be lonely. A big place like that… it probably feels empty now.”

“Yes it does.” Thor smiled, listening to Loki talk himself into moving in. “You’d be doing me a favor.”

Loki tuned back over and arched one eyebrow. “You don’t need to lay it on that thick. I’ll come. Can we get out of here now?”

“Not until the doctor says you are fit to leave.”

Loki scowled, but didn’t put up any further argument. It was another hour before the ward doctor came by, looked over Loki and gave Thor pages of home care instructions and a list of warning signs that would require a trip back to the hospital. She also, to Loki’s embarrassment, lectured him on the dangers of erotic asphyxiation. Thor was tight lipped during the whole thing. It wasn’t until they were in the car that he brought the subject back up.

“Loki, tell me that isn’t what happened. That you didn’t let that asshole strangle you for… for...”

“For kicks? To make me cum harder? Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.” Loki jeered.

“Shit. I can’t believe you are that stupid.”

“Already regretting your offer?”

“No. But damn it, how could you allow…”

Loki sighed and looked down at his twisting hands. His voice was softer when he said. 

“I didn’t Thor. I didn’t allow it. I don’t remember most of what happened. I don’t remember who was there. I don’t even know what day it is.

“Sunday.” Thor provided.

“Shit.” Loki said. “The date?”

“The eighth.”

“Oh good. I have an interview on the fourteenth.”

“On a Saturday?”

“No, on a Tuesday.” Loki looked puzzled, trying to fit the information into some logical order. 

“Today is the eighth of June.” Thor said slowly. “The year is…”

“I know what the year is.” Loki snapped.

“But not the month.”

“I haven’t been feeling well.”

“You mean you’ve been stoned off your ass.”

Loki turned away and looked out the window as buildings flashed by in the morning sun.

“You stay with me, there are rules Loki. No drugs, no drinking and no sketchy boyfriends.”

Loki didn’t reply and Thor’s anger, that he’d suppressed all night, surged back.

“Did you hear me?!” Thor growled.

Loki flinched at his tone and Thor felt a wave of guilt. But Loki nodded and Thor decided to take it as agreeing to his terms. They stopped on the way at a drive through and Thor bought a milkshake for Loki, to ease the pain in his throat. At a stop light he passed it to Thor. There was bit of pink at the corner of Loki’s mouth and Thor felt the urge to lean over and kiss it off. He took a sip of the drink instead, and the seeds were gritty on his tongue, the taste artificially sweet and cloying. He handed it back and Loki held the paper cup between his hands without drinking.

They were pulling up the steep driveway when Loki said. 

“I don’t like them.”

“Who?”

“Not who, what. I don’t like taking drugs. Or getting drunk.”

“Then why do it?”

Loki shrugged and turned back to looking out the window. The view was worth it. The lot was not small, but it was covered with huge boulders and it climbed steeply to the sharp peak of the hill. It had been considered unbuildable. Thor took it on as a challenge. The house he’d created was a series of organic forms whose stucco walls blended with the rocks in some areas and offset them with panels of rusted corrugated iron or bleached wood in others. It looked as if it had pushed up out of the earth like the granite boulders, as natural as the sage brush and manzanita thickets that covered the hill. Loki was not sure if it was beautiful or ugly, but it fit Thor and Loki liked the way it nestled into the slope and faced the morning sun. It gave the house an isolated, yet sheltered feeling.

Loki got out of the car and leaned on its battered hood, still shaky on his feet. Thor went ahead and unlocked a beautifully carved wooden door. He waited until Loki walked past him into the cool interior, before following him inside. A deep satisfaction stole over Thor, upon seeing his cousin standing, for the first time, in the house he had designed.

“Welcome home.” Thor said.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki tries to settle in and Thor runs errands.

Thor watched as Loki walked around the living room, illuminated by the morning sun pouring through the large picture windows. Loki looked like an Erte sculpture silhouetted against the light, his long limbs accentuated by the sweats hanging off his shoulders and hips. He was too thin, too worn, with circles dark under his eyes and still he was beautiful, cut down to the bone. Thor could barely draw a breath. How had he ever been fool enough to turn his back on Loki? 

Loki brushed his fingers over the back of the mission style couch as he looked around the room taking in the details that referenced old adobe homes without recreating them. The steel I beams etched and rusted to a warm russet recalled the cedar vigas, the walls were thick and hand plastered and the floors were warm with softly colored wool rugs over the polished concrete. 

“Your home is very…” Loki paused searching for the right words. “very you.” 

He turned to Thor. His forehead creased. 

“Why are you staring? Do I really look that bad?” 

Thor started out of his reverie. 

“No. No you look great.” Thor said with a bit too much emphasis. “Fine. You look fine.” He corrected.

Loki’s frown deepened. “I think that unlikely. So now what?”

“Now what?” Thor repeated.

“Yes Thor, what now? I assume there is a room I’ll be staying in, though I’m not exactly in need of sleep. At some point I’ll have to retrieve my possessions and start looking for a job.” Loki stretched and winced. “And find another place to live.”

“Why not stay here?” Thor said. “We aren’t that far from downtown. My office is only a mile from the theater district, I could easily drop you off.”

“Thor, I appreciate the sentiment, but I doubt living with you would be a good idea. For one thing, you work days, and my hours if I can get hired, will be weekends and evenings. Nor do I think I could abide your rules for long.”

“You just told me you didn’t like getting high or drinking.”

“Rules one and two are fine, its rule three that doesn’t work for me. I have no intention of embracing the celibate life.”

“I never said you had to be a monk. You,” Thor paused. “you need to be with someone who really cares about you, who will treat you right. You deserve that Loki.”

“Someone like you?” Loki asked in a low flirty voice as he approached his cousin. He laughed at the startled look on Thor’s face. “Don’t worry Thor, I’m not serious.” He patted Thor’s cheek. “The problem you see, is the good ones aren’t interested in me, not really.”

“That’s not true, Loki.”

“I think I’d know better than you.” Loki stretched. Shrugged the tension from his shoulders as started toward the arched passageway that opened to the kitchen. “Furthermore, I like my men with an edge.”

“Really.” Said Thor, with a trace of hunger in his voice. 

Loki turned suddenly and gave Thor an appraising look. 

“Oh. So it’s like that is it?” Loki’s face went smooth and blank. “I hadn’t realized I was to pay rent.”

“Loki! That’s not what...”

“I should have known this offer wasn’t out of the goodness of your heart. You’ve been quick enough to bail out on me in the past.”

“Damn it! That’s not fair. Was I supposed to stand by and watch you self-destruct?”

“I wouldn’t know, since no one else has stood by me either.”

“How can they, when keep pushing them away?"

“I didn’t push you away. You left. I didn’t run off to chase after every girl who crossed my path, rather than face the fact that I’m gay. You did that. But now it’s Okay? Now that Jane is gone and you’re lonely and horny you can indulge your curiosity? Fine Thor, go right ahead!”

Loki struggled with the knot holding his pants up and cursed at its stubbornness. Then Thor’s hands were covering his. 

“No, Loki.” Thor said. "Stop it."

“Why not?” Loki said, and he was shaking, his fingers still fumbling with the tie. “It doesn’t mean anything to me. Less than anything. You want to fuck me, then let’s get it over, so I can go make a decent cup of coffee.”

“No.” Thor said again.

He put his arms around his cousin and pulled him against his chest. Loki resisted for a moment then all the fight went out of him.

“I’m sorry Loki. I’m sorry I was afraid and stupid and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry I didn’t take you away from that first idiot in college and bring you to live with me.”

Thor stroked Loki’s hair and down his back. Loki stood passive, not returning the hug, saying nothing.

“I love you Loki. I’ve loved you for a very long time. I think Jane knew and that’s one of the reasons she left. You don’t have to love me back. But please let me take care of you. I won’t ask for anything more.”

“You won’t? Are you sure?” Loki asked warily. 

He still hadn’t embraced Thor, but neither had he tried to pull away.

“I’m sure. Will you stay?”

Thor loosened his hug and to his surprise Loki leaned against him and placed one hand on his chest. Loki sighed.

“I’ll stay.”

“Good. I’ll make the coffee, since I know where everything is.”

“Mmm hmm.” Loki said, shutting his eyes and laying his head on Thor’s chest. His other arm slipped around Thor’s waist. Thor held him gently, Loki’s head tucked under his chin. He rubbed his hand up and down Loki’s spine, and with each stroke Loki seemed to let go of the emotions tensing his muscles.

After a while Loki straightened up and pulled away without a word. Thor followed him into the kitchen and made a pot of coffee while Loki watched. Thor filled their mugs and sat down across from him.

“I’m not gay.” Thor said.

Loki raised an eyebrow.

“Not entirely. I do like women.”

“Bi then.” Loki said.

“Yes.”

“So who have you…?”

Thor frowned. “That’s none of your business.”

“Not on a first name basis, I take it.” Loki said with a smirk as he took a drink of the coffee. “I didn’t think you were the type for back alley quickies.”

“Would you stop that?”

“Why? I find your discomfort about fucking men amusing.”

“Do you have to make everything sound so… so crude?”

Loki laughed. “It is crude Thor. There is nothing romantic about it. Its sex Thor. It's messy and awkward and if you're lucky it feels good, and if you're not it doesn't, and when it's over, it's over. You want to paint the world in pretty lies.”

“Love is not a lie.”

Loki made a dismissive sound and took another sip of the coffee. His shoulders slumped as though he was too tired to keep going. 

“I’m going to make breakfast. What would you like?” Thor asked

Loki shook his head. “Nothing. I’m not hungry.”

Thor frowned, bit back his comment and busied himself cooking while Loki sipped his coffee and looked out the window. Loki idly watched a hawk circle and drift, then suddenly drop as it spotted something in the canyon below. He startled when Thor put a bowl of oatmeal in front of him.

“I said I wasn’t hungry.”

“Eat it anyway.” Thor said. He slid a carton of milk and the sugar bowl toward Loki.

Loki scowled but picked up the spoon and started slowly eating, ignoring the milk and sugar. Thor noticed he took small bites and swallowed with difficulty. Thor had finished by the time Loki pushed away his half empty bowl and picked up his coffee draining the cup.

Thor nodded. “It’s a start.”

Loki yawned, sniffled and used a paper napkin to wipe his eyes and nose. He shrugged his shoulders arched his back and finally stood up and stretched. Thor could hear his spine pop. He yawned widely again.

“Tired?” Thor asked.

“No. I’m…” Loki shook his head and pushed up his sleeves, rubbing his arms. “Do I have a room, or am I to sleep on the couch?” 

“You have your own room.”

Thor took the dishes to the sink and then motioned Loki to the stairs that led off the left side of the living room. There were two rooms on this level. Loki’s was spare and spacious, with a southwestern design of pale walls and dark furniture. The shared bathroom had a large shower, as well as an enormous tub. 

“I could use a bath.” Loki said, eyeing the bottles of shampoo and bath oils beside the tub.

“Yeah.” Thor agreed. “You stink.”

That earned Thor a glare. Which he laughed off.

“I’ll bring you a change of clothes” Thor said “ I have to head over to the office for a client meeting this morning, then I’m going to check out a new building site. Make yourself at home, I’m next door, the rec room is down the hall and up the stairs. Watch a movie, play some games, whatever you like. I should be home by three. Is there anything you need?”

“I...” Loki stopped, shook his head again and said. “No, I’m fine.” 

By the time Thor returned with the clothes, the bathroom door was shut and he could hear the shower running. 

****

The client had been late, which was irksome. Thor had only agreed to a Sunday morning appointment because the man had come across on the phone as knowing exactly what he wanted. In person he was fussy and indecisive. By the time everything was wrapped up to both their satisfaction it was after two. Thor stopped for lunch and drove out to the building site and spent another two hours taking pictures and walking the land as he took notes to clarify his design. It was after five by the time he was back in his car. He couldn’t call Loki to tell him he was going to be late, as his cousin had arrived without a phone or even a wallet.

Thor could remedy that. He knew where Gast lived. He’d stopped by his place when Loki was first dating him. The pseudo castle he called home that was one of the stranger house designs of the 1920’s. The neighborhood looked even more rundown than Thor remembered. Many of the trees were dead from years of drought. The yards were filled with bare dirt, trash and scattered weeds. The street looked deserted but when he opened the car door he heard the sounds of competing music blaring from open windows. En’s house was in better shape. No trash or weeds in the yard, the dead trees removed and replaced with agave and yucca. The paint was recent, if in garish colors ill-suited to the style of the house. Thor rang the bell.

After the third ring the inner door opened and a slender, sleepy eyed blond youth, clad only in a silk robe that gaped wide enough to show he had nothing on under it, blinked up at Thor. 

“I’m here for Loki’s things.”

The blond yawned that same jaw cracking yawn Loki had displayed earlier and unlocked the outer security door. Thor followed as he wandered back toward the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and proceeded to drink half a carton of orange juice. When he lowered the carton he seemed surprised to see Thor still there. 

“Loki’s down there.” He slurred, waving vaguely to a darkened hall. He turned his back on Thor and walked away into the farther recesses of the house.

Thor set his mouth in a grim line. He didn’t know if the boy meant Loki’s room was down the hall or if Loki himself had returned. If he had, Thor was dragging him home if he had to hogtie his cousin. There were three rooms down the hall and unlike the order that pervaded rest of the house they were filthy, the floors covered with used food cartons and dishes, overflowing ashtrays and dirty clothes. To Thor’s relief none of the rooms were occupied. He quickly located Loki’s by the scattering of familiar books. No effort had been made to box up Loki’s possessions and Thor had to return to the kitchen and rummage around until he found a roll of trash bags. He gathered up what he thought was salvageable from the mess and carried it out to his car. 

He had the last bag in hand when he went to find the boy, to tell him he was finished. He had the partly formed idea he might question him to learn more of what had happened to Loki. Thor entered the darkened back room. Caught in a beam of light that slipped through the heavy curtains was the small enameled box that Frigga had given to Loki upon his graduation. Thor strode over and took it from the shelf. A lazy voice drawled.

“That’s mine big boy. Put it back.”

Thor turned toward the sound, searching for its source in the gloom. The blond was sprawled out on a futon, his naked body pale against the dark sheet. His head was cradled in the lap of an older man. Soft slurping sounds made it was obvious what he was doing. 

“It’s Loki’s.” Thor said, his lip curling in disgust.

“Loki gave it to me. As a birthday gift.” Andrew Gast said. “Careful with those teeth, Honey.” He added to the boy. Gast smirked at Thor. “Too bad your cousin had to go. He used to be quite skilled at this.”

Thor started forward but there was a metallic flash which betrayed the gun in Gast’s hand. 

“Ah Ah, Cowboy. You aren’t the first would be hero I’ve had to deal with. Back off or you’re gonna get a hole in the scrumptious chest, and wouldn’t that be a waste?”

Thor growled but stopped his advance. 

“Now put the box back and be on your way.”

Thor backed away but he dropped the box in the bag he was carrying.

“You won’t shoot me for a box. You don’t want the police around. Not with your drugged up and under aged boyfriend here.”

“You think I’d call the police?” Gast asked.

But Thor was already at the doorway. He kicked the door shut and then hurried across the house and out the front. He threw the bag in with the others and drove away, checking for pursuit in the rear view mirror. 

The street remained deserted, baking in the remnant of the day’s heat.

******

Thor rolled down the windows on the way home to ease some of the stink of the dirty clothes. He couldn’t imagine his fastidious cousin living like that. The clothes could be washed, but his books and other things? Maybe a few days on the patio would air them out. Thor hoped so. The house was dark when he arrived, though the sun had set and the sky was turning from purple to indigo. The lights of the city cast a soft glow which backlit the hill, emphasizing the shadows that pooled around his home. Thor grabbed a couple of the bags and opened the front door. He’d take Loki’s stuff to the laundry room and sort it out there. 

Thor flipped on the living room light and headed toward the stairs. Loki was curled up on the couch, his back to the room apparently taking a nap. Thor was halfway to the stairs before the stench of fresh vomit hit him. He dropped the bags and turned to Loki, his fury already rising. Not more than a few hours alone and Loki had managed to drink enough to get sick. He must have downed every beer Thor had left in the fridge!

“God Damn it! You couldn’t last one day?” Thor roared. 

He grabbed Loki’s shoulder and turned him over. Loki cried out and pulled his knees to his chest. His skin was wet and cold under Thor’s hand. A tremor racked him and he hissed curling tighter. Thor’s anger dissipated in a flash. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Thor asked, his voice softer.

“Everything.” Loki said, sniffling. Tears marked his face.

“If you don’t tell me I can’t help.”

“You can’t help anyway.” He made a low keening sound as another spasm shuddered through his body. “It will pass. Just need time. Sorry.” 

“You don’t need to be sorry. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

But Loki turned his head, rolled onto his side and dry heaved over the edge of the couch. 

“Thought I was done with that part. Wouldn’t have left the bathroom otherwise.”

“Loki tell me what is wrong or I’m taking you back to the hospital.”

“Drug sickness.” Loki panted. “Don’t need the hospital. It will pass.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Did you bring me a fix?” Loki’s laugh at Thor’s expression was short and harsh. “Then no. Just leave me alone.”

“I’ll take you back to your room. Thor said.

“Don’t be an idiot.” Loki uncurled a little, his breath slowing. “Leather is easier to clean then a mattress. Why do you think I came down here in the first place?”

“I’ll stay with you then.”

“For fucks sake Thor, leave me alone. You’re too loud. Everything is too loud and too bright and smells too much. Go away. Please.”

It was the desperation in Loki’s voice that drove Thor to pick up the bags and walk away. He turned off the light leaving only the kitchen light to guide him as he brought the rest of Loki’s things inside. He returned to the living room with a blanket and laid it over Loki, before cleaning the vomit off the floor. 

Loki's "Thank you." was a barely heard whisper.

Thor spent the evening between the laundry room, the patio and the living room. He brought Loki crushed ice when he couldn’t keep water down. He made a simple meal, which Loki declined. His beer he saw, was untouched. He felt guilty that he had checked. Thor eventually picked up a book and settled into a recliner at the far end of the living room, the lamp pulled low to cast light on the pages and leave the rest of the room in darkness. 

It was after ten when Loki said. “There is no point in both of us staying awake all night. Go to bed Thor.”

“I won’t be able to sleep.”

“Suit yourself.” Loki said. 

Thor returned to his book and another hour passed. He dozed and jerked awake. He looked over at Loki, but he was resting quietly, his slightly nasal breathing slow and steady. Thor had missed most of last night’s sleep and he was bone tired. In the morning he was going to reschedule this week’s meetings. He could do most of his work at home and over the phone anyway. The office was a holdover from when he’d first started and had nowhere to meet clients or lay out his designs. The lease was up in a few months and he wasn't going to bother renewing it. 

Thor went upstairs, changed into sleep pants, brushed his teeth, grabbed a blanket and returned to the living room. He made himself comfortable on the recliner and switched off the lamp. If Loki needed him he’d be here. He wasn’t leaving this time. No matter what, Thor vowed, he wasn’t ever going to walk away from Loki again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got extended into another chapter. I hope just one more, but you all know how I am by now.  
> Drug withdrawl isn't pretty, even a light case like Loki's, and it didn't feel right to gloss it over completely.  
> Thor's comment about the blond guy being underage, is just shooting in the dark. It's doubtful Gast would be that stupid.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Resolution. Angst and talking. Mostly talking.

It got worse before it got better. Withdrawal stripped the last bit of dignity from Loki. It was hard to be dignified sitting on the toilet, puking into a trashcan while your cousin keeps you from falling off. Yet Loki refused to go to the hospital or a detox clinic. First telling Thor he was fine than when it became obvious he wasn’t, telling him he’d leave and never return if Thor forced him to go. Thor knew he wasn’t lying, and wondered why Loki felt he had to endure the torment without any intervention. Thor spent the time in between caring for Loki, searching the internet for information and calling hot lines for help. Loki only divulged a little of what he’d been taking and that hampered Thor in his search for answers. 

Eventually however the worst of the symptoms passed. Loki was able to keep food down, his eyes stopped tearing and his nose dried up. He slept more than a few hours at a time and he stopped rubbing and scratching his forearms and the skin was healing. His erratic moods settled also. But since they settled into a bleak despondency, Thor became even more worried. At least when Loki had flashed from sarcastic anger to quiet gratitude to malicious humor Thor knew he was feeling something. Now he barely responded to direct questions. The only time he’d shone the slightest animation was when Thor had brought his books in from the patio and placed them in his room. The airing out had worked, the dry heat and sun leaving the pages free of any lingering mustiness. Thor had also brought Frigga’s gift back inside and he placed the cloisonné box in the bookshelf. Loki had been listlessly poking though one of Thor’s architecture magazines and glanced up at the box. His already pale face turned a grayish white. 

“Thor,” he said and his voice quavered. “Please tell me you didn’t steal that from Gast.”

“And if I did? It was mother’s gift to you, he had no right to it.”

“Have you looked inside?”

“No.” Thor said.

Something in Loki’s voice made him snatch the box off the shelf. Loki was on his feet and moving toward Thor reaching for the box. 

“Give me that!” He demanded as Thor flipped the catch and pressed the release button.

He looked at Thor in horror. Thor glanced inside. There was nothing but a little dust and a dark smear on the golden interior. He showed it to Loki. Loki sagged so quickly Thor reached out to steady him. Loki waved him off and sat down on the bed. 

“What were you expecting? Drugs?” Thor asked.

Loki looked blank for a split second and then nodded. 

“Yes.”

“And nothing else?” Thor pressed.

But Loki had slipped back into his apathy and only gave a shake of his head before crawling up the bed and retrieving the magazine. Thor let it go. Whatever the danger had been, it was something Loki no longer thought a menace. 

Loki drifted like a ghost around the edges of Thor’s life. He ate, he bathed, he slept. At first he’d spoken of looking for work, but Thor could see he was in no shape to hold down a job if he got one. Thor told him not to worry about it. Odin had left Thor enough money that he could cover the extra cost of Loki’s care. Thor figured the old man owed it to Loki. 

With no need to job hunt, Loki declined the offer of a cell phone, (Thor hadn’t found phone or laptop at Gast’s place.) asking if Thor really thought it was a good idea.

“You don’t want me texting my dealer in a moment of weakness do you?” 

Thor agreed it was probably best for Loki to be unplugged for now. He’d also password protected his internet connection at Loki’s insistence. If Loki didn’t trust himself, Thor wasn’t going to do anything to undermine his sobriety. He did however bring home his own laptop and gave it to Loki, along with a notebook and pens in case he felt like writing. They sat gathering dust for a week. Thor came home one afternoon to find the trashcan on the patio stuffed with torn out pages. Most of them were covered with the word “fuck” written over and over. But stuffed at the bottom were long rambling barely coherent rants. Thor bought more notebooks. Loki filled them with obscenities and meandering tirades and pages of writing scribbled over until the paper tore. Then he ripped the pages out and stuffed them into the trash can.

But Loki was looking better. He was putting on weight and the mornings of writing on the patio had colored his fair skin pink, dusted freckles across his nose and cheeks and brought out red highlights in his black hair. He still avoided Thor, interacting only at meals and that in monosyllables or nodding if they passed. Thor let him be. It was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. Harder than helping Loki struggle through withdrawal. He wanted to pull Loki into his arms and tell him everything was going to be alright, wanted to force him to sit down and fucking talk for Pete’s sake. He really wanted to cross their shared bathroom and kiss the tears from his eyes, when he woke in the middle of the night to piss and heard Loki’s soft sobbing. He refrained. He only allowed himself to reach out at meals, cover Loki’s hand and say,

“I’m here.”

“I know Thor.” Loki answered in a monotone.

“If you want or need anything?”

“I don’t.”

And that was that. Thor would talk of his day, of his current projects and of his clients and builders. Loki kept his head down and ate. He’d wait for Thor to finish and then pick up their dishes and wash them. They had fallen into the routine of Thor cooking and Loki washing up without discussing it. Thor would wash their clothes and Loki would pull them from the line, or the dryer on the rare rainy days, fold them and put them away. Household chores divided up without speaking. In one way it was a comforting routine, and in another it was off putting, as though Loki found his company too demanding and was only able to bear it in silence. 

Loki now spent most of his days outdoors, walking the hills or writing in the mornings and reading in the afternoons in the shade of the Palo Verde trees. Thor would look out of the window of the nursery he’d converted into his home office and see Loki writing frantically, as if the words might disappear before he got them down. As the days turned into weeks, less and less paper made it into the trash and Loki filled notebook after notebook with his scrawling script. Sometimes he’d sit at the back of the rec room while Thor watched TV, transcribing from notebook to laptop, both of which he’d snap shut if Thor approached. Other nights he holed up in his room and worked there. Thor didn’t know why he’d taken to the two step process, he’d written straight into the computer as a teen, often typing out a finished paper on his first effort. Maybe it helped him order his thoughts. One more thing Thor didn’t question him about.

Summer was at its height when Thor followed Loki on his morning walk. Loki paused until Thor caught up and they rambled in companionable silence until Loki suddenly grabbed his shoulder.

“What?” Thor said, coming to an abrupt halt.

Loki pointed a few feet ahead and resting in the sun, its body fat with its last meal was a large rattlesnake. Loki took Thor’s hand and walked him off the path until they’d passed the snake. He kept his hand in Thor’s as they continued down the trail. 

“She’s there most mornings. Or in the vicinity. I keep an eye out for her.”

“I can see why, that’s a damn big snake.” Thor asked looking back over his shoulder. “Why do you think it’s a she?”

“She looks like a she to me.” Loki thought for a moment. “You won’t try to kill her will you?” His face was worried.

“No, of course not.” Thor said. “Why would you think that? I like snakes, and she is a beauty.”

“I’d forgotten.” Loki said. “Most people would kill a rattlesnake if they see one.”

“Most people do a lot of stupid things. I’m not most people.”

“No. You’re not.”

“Besides this is their home, we’re the interlopers.”

Loki nodded. 

“I like it out here.” Loki spread his hands. “It’s a lot simpler. Hunt, kill, eat and rest. The predators aren’t cruel.”

“Some would say killing is cruel.”

“No. It’s necessary. Only people are cruel. Snakes don’t have a love of pain. Causing it or otherwise. They don’t feel guilt or anger or hopelessness. They don’t try to make someone into something they are not. I often wish I could be a snake.”

“They don’t feel love either.” Thor said.

“Neither do I.”

Thor shook his head at that. Loki’s quiet words hurt like a knife in his chest, but Thor wasn’t going to argue with him. 

“You know, you don’t have to do this alone.”

“Do what Thor?” Loki pulled his hand free and moved away.

“Deal with your… your depression.”

Loki’s eyes narrowed. “You think I’m crazy.” 

“I didn’t say that. I just think it might help you to have someone to talk to. Someone who isn’t involved. A professional.”

“You think I should spill my guts to a stranger? I’m not that weak. I’m fine.”

“Loki you are not fine. You go for days without speaking, you refuse to leave the house other than these walks and you are up crying half the night. I can hear you.”

“I didn’t realize I was inconveniencing you so much. Its time I left anyway. You should know by now I don’t return your childish infatuation.”

Loki turned and started toward the house. Thor grabbed his arm and spun him around. Loki flinched but Thor didn’t let him go.

“And then you do this. Threaten to leave if I try to talk to you.”

“Why shouldn’t I? You’re like everyone else. I don’t fit your idea of who you think I should be and so you try to change me. You can’t accept that I don’t feel anything, anymore. I don’t love, I don’t hate, I don’t care Thor. Because you can’t accept that, you want to send me to some head shrink to turn me into your perfect playmate.”

“That’s not how it works Loki. You just talk and they help you find your own answers.”

“How the hell would you know? Perfect Thor with his perfect life. You don’t have a clue what real life is like.” 

“I know because go Loki. Every Tuesday. Some Thursdays when it gets rough.”

“What?” Loki looked flabbergasted. Thor released his grip.

“After Jane left. I felt lost. Like I was just going through the motions. I’d had the perfect life as you put it. A beautiful, intelligent wife, a career that was taking off, you remember that award I won for the place in Riverside? We were friends again. Everything was going just like I’d wanted and then it all fell apart. You drifted away. Jane and I broke up. I started losing commissions to another firm. I came up here one afternoon with my dad’s old gun. Everything was so pointless. I wanted it over.”

“Why didn’t you?” Loki tilted his head, puzzled. 

Thor wondered if he was searching for a reason to live. Platitudes came to mind, ‘Things get better’, ‘Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem’, ‘Your death would hurt the people left behind’. Those words had meant nothing to Thor at the time, he doubted they’d mean anything to Loki now. 

“I don’t know. Maybe because killing myself seemed pointless too. When I got back to the house I called the suicide hotline and they put me in touch with the local mental health clinic. I saw Doctor Wilson and he helped me get my life back together.”

“And then I showed up.”

“Yeah Loki. Then you showed up. I didn’t want to blow it this time. And I didn’t know how to handle the drug withdrawal, or your moodiness or the silence.”

“So you go see this guy and talk about your fucked up cousin and how he’s screwing up your life again.”

“No. I talk about my feelings, my frustrations and how I can protect myself without either walking away or driving you away. Also about the problems I have with my business. Not every trouble is about you.”

“Oh.” Loki said in a small voice. He took a deep breath and looked out over the chaparral. 

“I’m not saying you have to go see him.” Thor said. “But he helped me. Maybe he can help you too?”

“That I doubt.”

Thor shoulders sagged and Loki punched him lightly on the arm. 

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t go, just that I doubt it will do any good.” Loki walked back ahead of him and then looked back over his shoulder. “I’ll tell him your constant nagging has worn me down.”

“Loki! You will not.” Thor said, but it was with a smile.

“Oh yes I will. Nag! Nag! Nag! The only time you let up is when you barrage me with the most indecent proposals.” 

Loki had picked up his pace almost skipping ahead. Thor heard Loki’s light laugh and it released the tightness in his chest.

“Loki!” Thor laughed and chased him. 

“I will tell him in detail what an utter and complete pervert you are. How I have to barricade myself in my room each night just to get any sleep.” 

Loki dodged off the trail and Thor remembered about the rattlesnake in time to slow his steps and keep an eye on where he put his feet. He made it past the danger point and saw Loki running nimbly down the trail. Thor pounded after him and caught him at the back door were he’d paused, panting, to unlock it. Loki was chuckling and turned, just as Thor attempted to stop, slid on the decomposed granite of the patio and slammed him through the open doorway and onto the kitchen floor. 

“Ouff!

Loki’s breath was expelled as he landed on his butt, Thor on top of him.

“Get off!” Loki laughed, shoving at him.

“I didn’t mean to.” Thor said, grinning as he tried to disentangle himself from his cousin.

Loki looked up at Thor, their faces inches apart, and Thor froze. Then Loki’s hands were on the back Thor’s head and neck and he was pulled down. Loki’s lips parted and he kissed Thor slow and deep. Thor wrapped his arms around Loki and returned the kiss, his own lips parting. Loki lips felt like silk under his and tasted of strawberry chap stick. The tip of his nose was cool on Thor’s cheek, his tongue hot in Thor's mouth. Thor’s eyes closed. Eternity was measured in the space between his heartbeats.

When Loki broke the kiss, his hands fell away and he looked down. Thor sat back on his heels and Loki pushed himself off the floor to lay his head on Thor’s chest. Thor held him carefully, as if he would break with the slightest pressure.

“I’m trying Thor, I really am.” 

“I know love, I know.”

“It’s... I’m afraid.”

“I won’t hurt you, Loki.”

“Even though I deserve it?”

“You don’t deserve to hurt. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

Loki laughed softly but it was more irony then humor. 

“Thor, I’ve done everything wrong.”

“It doesn’t matter. That’s the past. It’s over.”

“Is it? Is the past ever really over?”

“Yes. All that I care about is the here and now.” 

Thor cupped Loki’s chin and did what he’d been thinking about all month. He kissed Loki’s cheeks and the bridge of his nose. 

“What are you doing?”

“Evening the score.”

“What score?” Loki’s brows knit into a puzzled frown.

“The sun has got to kiss you all summer long and now it’s my turn.”

“You are a romantic fool.” Loki said with a soft smile.

“Um hum.” Thor said kissing the tip of Loki’s nose. “That’s me. Foolishly romantic.” 

He was going to kiss Loki’s lips again, but there was a tenseness in his cousin’s shoulders, a hint of resistance in the way Loki’s hand pressed against his chest and Thor contented himself in kissing Loki’s forehead instead. 

Contentment was what he felt when Loki tucked his head under Thor’s chin and sighed. Thor breathed in the scent of Loki’s hair and felt the warmth of Loki’s cheek on his throat. It was only a few moments but it was enough. When Loki pulled away, Thor didn’t try to hold him. Rather he stood up and extended his hand to Loki, helped him to his feet then released his grip. Loki stepped forward and gave Thor a quick peck on the cheek and then stepped back. Thor smiled but didn’t advance. He got the unspoken message. Kisses were for Loki to give, not for Thor to take.

Loki smiled back. “Thank you.” He said, and then walked to the stairs. He paused at the bottom, and bit his lower lip.

“Would you make the appointment? I want to get it over with as soon as possible.” He started up the stairs.

“I will. You won’t regret it.” Thor called to him.

“I hope not.” Loki stopped at the top of the stairs. He turned and looked down.

“I lied Thor.”

Thor felt his throat tighten. He tried to steady himself for the blow, the rejection. He waited while Loki rocked back and forth. 

“I do love you.” The words burst from Loki in a rush. “I love you so much it terrifies me.”

Loki spun on his heel and bolted into his room, not quite slamming his door. 

Thor stood looking up at the closed door. His heart pounded in his chest. He wanted to bound up the stairs, take Loki in his arms and cover him with kisses. He wanted to tap the passion he’d felt in Loki’s kiss, pour his own hunger into it and make love to his beloved until they were both boneless with sated desire and delirious with love. He held back. Loki didn’t need his lust right now, he need his patience and compassion. 

It will take time, Thor reminded himself. It had taken years for Loki to get this messed up. His life wasn’t going to be put right with a few kisses and a short talk. But it was a good start. Thor whistled as he went up to his office to call Doctor Wilson and set up Loki's appointment. When he looked out his window a half hour later, Loki was back on the patio, notebook and pen in hand, writing away. He seemed to feel Thor’s eyes on him and he glanced up and smiled. Thor smiled back. 

"A very good start." Thor thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story turned out little different then I thought it would, but I felt that it was important to follow where it led. I may return to it in the future but for now we'll leave them at the beginning of their journey. I think it will be a good one as they have each other to help them over the rough spots. 
> 
> Doctor Wilson is Sam Wilson. (Which you most likely already figured out.) After leaving the air force he went back to college and got his doctorate in psychology. He won't put up with Loki's bullshit and more then he put up with Thor's.
> 
> As for what was once in the box? If I pick this back up you may find out. If not, well not all of life's mysteries are solved. I'll leave it up to your imagination. Ditto for the notebooks.
> 
> I think this is the first story I've written exclusively from Thor's POV. I hope you've enjoyed it. Thanks again for golikethatcat allowing me to reinterpret his most excellent art with a poem and then meander off track even further with this story. You are a blessing and an inspiration.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is now from Loki's viewpoint. Moving ahead to therapy day.

It was two days after he’d agreed to talk to a therapist. Two days after the kiss. Two days after his confession. What the hell had been thinking?

Loki looked out over the chaparral covered hillside as it swept down to the outskirts of the city. Streets and businesses and houses like a great sea lapping at the steep hills. The play he’d been writing had fallen apart midway through the second act, trailing down into a dialog of accusations that had little to do with the plot. It least it wasn’t another sheet of incoherent ramblings. He kept these notebooks. Mining them at night to flesh out his main play which, so far had held together. But also to read on the days he thought himself frozen in the past. He could follow his progress in them. A physical testament to how far he’d climbed out of hell. Because he knew he couldn’t trust his mind. 

There were times he hated Thor for dragging him back to life. When he craved the oblivion of a mind blurred with drink and drugs and a body dulled and sated with sex and pain. Days he missed even that clawing craving when the drugs ran out. Moments when, if he’d had a phone, he would have begged En to send one of his toadies and take him back. 

Because sometimes the touch of the warm breeze on his skin scraped like sandpaper, the harsh calls of the jays exploded like gunshots and the afternoon light through the leaves blinded his eyes and seared into his brain like the flashlights of the cops in a darkened alley.

How could he tell Thor that there were days he took up too much space when they were in the same room, that his breathing was too loud, that even his normal tone of voice could jangle across Loki’s nerves like an electric shock? That a soft glance, a questioning silence, an aborted gesture of comfort could be smothering in its concern. Loki wanted to scream at him, 

“I’m not going to break! Stop fucking treating me like I’m made of glass!” 

Sometimes he wanted to be broken, to be shattered into shards. To hear Thor’s voice loud and harsh and to feel his hands hard and rough, striking him, bruising flesh and breaking bones. Something in him wanted to drive Thor from his calm patient acceptance of Loki’s erratic behavior into a storm of rage and recriminations. Because if he could make Thor do that he would have some control over his life.

Loki could feel the feverish thoughts rising, burning into his mind. He put down the pen and took a long drink of water, closed his notebook and retreated into the cool of the house. It was critical that Thor not see him when he was like this. He hurried upstairs into the silence of his room, the curtains already pulled shut the blinds dropped. He added an extra layer of a bath towel to block the light. Another towel he stuffed under the bottom of the door. He pulled off his shoes, socks, shirt then still twitching at the feel of cloth on his skin, his pants and boxers. Loki pitched all the loose bedding to the floor, stuffed the earbuds in his ears and with the laptop clutched to his chest he lay on the sheet covered mattress. The soft static buzz of an open but unplayed music file filling his brain. 

The semi darkness eased his eyes. His breath came faster, harsher and he let the panic take him. His thoughts racing so quickly they were blurred images, memories, fears, hopes, nightmares. He was too hot, sweat beaded his upper lip, broke across his chest, his back. He made no effort to stop the tears that spilled down his face. He didn’t know why he was crying. Only that there was an empty ache in his soul. That it hurt to breathe, his throat too tight from emotion. Sorrow and rage and longing all mixed up together. 

He thought of the rattlesnake, cold and poisonous, lying on the path and stealing heat from the sun. That was him. He was the snake and Thor was the sun and one day Loki was going to drive his poison into Thor and Thor would be gone. Warped all out of recognition or dead. Yes. Loki thought and sobbed, picturing beautiful Thor dead, and a knife in his own hand. And then what. That golden body rotting, flesh falling from his bones, maggots feasting in the dark. More! He screamed inside his head, trying imagine the worst, a festering accusing ghost of the man he loved, appearing to drag him to hell. His stomach clenched, the taste of bile was in the back of his throat. 

“If I lay here I’ll choke on my own vomit.” Loki thought. “I could die and it would look like an accident and he would be free of me. And I of him.”

The fit broke then and Loki shivered. He looked up at the ceiling, the rust colored steel beams, the white washed planks. Thor’s house, safe and strong and beautiful. Like Thor, who loved him. Loved him with the inescapable strength of a hurricane. Loki shivered again but the swirling thoughts were gone, leaving only exhaustion in their wake. He shut his eyes, resting on the edge of sleep.

At some point he must have dropped off for he woke hungry, curled on his side with one earbud pulled out and the laptop on the floor. Loki pulled out the other earbud and rubbed his forehead. His head ached, a common after effect, but it wasn’t too bad and his stomach had settled. He got up, dressed and removed the towels from window and door. The slight increase in light made him wince. When he opened the door the smell of cooking hit him like a solid thing and for a moment Loki thought he was going to be sick. But no, that twisting in his gut was hunger not nausea. 

Thor took one look at him, gave a slight nod in greeting and tilted his head toward the table. There was a glass of tea, ice cold and strong and thank the gods so bitter it scoured the foul taste from his mouth and eased the queasiness. Thor dropped a plate in front of him, vegetables and shrimp and brown rice without a trace of sauce. Loki picked up his fork and head down to avoid eye contact, he began to eat. He was grateful for the silence though he could practically hear Thor holding back a barrage of questions and the muscles between his shoulders began to tighten. He was down to the last bites of his meal when he could take it no longer. 

Loki put down his fork and said, “Well?”

“Huh?” Said Thor.

Glancing up Loki could see that Thor had a magazine spread out beside his plate, the soaring lines of a superstructure under the fingertips of his left hand. He let out a breath and the tension that was starting to coil eased. He felt perversely miffed that Thor hadn’t been worrying about him.

“Nothing.” Loki said. “I thought you wanted something.”

“No.” Thor said and went back to reading and eating. 

“Well fuck.” Loki thought. I gave him an opening and he ignored it. He stabbed viciously at the blameless vegetables and crammed the forkful in his mouth, biting down too soon and scrapping metal over his teeth. He dropped the fork on the table and stood up abruptly. He nearly spat the mouthful out onto his plate and instead swallowed the unchewed food, half chocking himself. He grabbed the tea and managed to wash it down, though he was now red faced and coughing. 

“You alright?” Thor asked in the face of evidence that he was not alright, he was fucking choking to death. Was Thor a total idiot? Not as big of one as he was. Loki waved his cousin off, took a second swallow of tea and was finally able to croak out. 

“I’m fine.” 

Thor watched him calmly and Loki felt the urge to hit him. There was such a thing as giving someone too much space. 

Loki picked up his plate, scrapped the remains into the trash and dropped it into the sink. He added the dishes used from preparing the meal and filled it with soap and water. Thor brought their glasses and his own plate and utensils. He picked up a towel and waited while Loki scrubbed and rinsed the cooking pan.

“You have that appointment with Sam at two.” Thor said suddenly.

Loki flinched and then cursed himself for his reaction to Thor’s voice.

“I’m not sure I feel up to it today. I have a headache.”

That sounded lame as fuck even if it was the truth. He didn’t want to meet Thor’s psychologist. He was still too broken. He wouldn’t be able to mask himself well enough. The guy would take one look at him and warn Thor away forever. If he hadn’t already. But no, Thor would be painting a picture of Loki as victim. Helpless and abused. As if he hadn’t walked right into each and every relationship. As if he didn’t deserve to be treated exactly the way he knew they would treat him.

Thor’s hand closed over his wrist and pulled it from the water. Blood ran in a red stream down his wrist from a shallow cut across his knuckles. He was holding the broken bottom of a glass in his other hand. 

“Loki?” Thor said

“I…” Loki started. What could he say. “It must have been cracked.”

The cut was beginning to sting. 

“There are Band-Aids in the medicine cabinet.” Thor said. “I’ll finish these up.”

As Loki started out of the kitchen Thor said. “Then we’ll go to your appointment.”

Loki turned back, still holding his bleeding hand. “It’s my fucking life Thor! You don’t get to order me around.”

Thor dropped the pieces of broken glass in the trash. He walked with unhurried steps until he was within a foot of Loki. Loki found himself suddenly afraid. Thor was big. Broad across his shoulders and heavily muscled and there was something implacable in his eyes. 

“I’m ordering you today.” Thor said quietly. 

Loki’s heart hammered. He could feel the words of denial in his throat. The threats. The vicious taunts he could hurl into his cousin’s face. Thor’s blue eyes were calm as the summer sky, but Loki could sense the threat of thunderstorms. He gave a small nod. Thor raised his hand as if to touch Loki’s shoulder but Loki shied away and hurried up the stairs. He heard Thor’s sharp exhalation.

The cut was only an annoyance and Loki fussed trying to get the Band-aids to cover it. He ended up with a weird patchwork of them wrapped around his hand. He had enough presence of mind to take a couple of aspirin and grab his sunglasses before he came back downstairs. He hadn’t been lying about the headache. 

On the ride over Loki laid his bandaged hand over Thor’s thigh. 

“I’m here.” Thor said.

“I know.” Loki answered. He didn’t remove his hand until they were pulling into the parking lot. 

Inside he was handed a sheaf of papers to fill out and Loki took one look at the extensive and intrusive questions and dropped it back on the receptionist’s desk. 

“No.”

“Loki, the doctor need the information...”

“No. I cannot Thor. It’s too much.”

Thor picked up the clipboard. “I’ll help you. Okay?”

“God!” Loki exploded and snatched it from Thor’s hand. “I’m not an imbecil.”

Thor picked up a pen and followed Loki to the seating area. Loki took the pen with little grace, hunched over the clipboard and went through the questions as if he was being timed. There was a box under the question “Reason for today’s Visit.” Loki started writing and his scribbling scrawl filled in the box and then covered the entire back of the page with writing that got smaller and smaller until he reached the bottom, turned the page back over and filled up one margin. 

Loki glared up at Thor’s concerned face and he shuffled the paper to the back of the pile as if daring him to comment. After that were only the standard permission papers which Loki signed. Thor returned the clipboard and they waited, Loki thumbing through a copy of a hunting magazine that held little interest while Thor read a book he’d had the foresight to bring. What felt like hours, but was only 20 minets passed before the inner door opened and a handsome black man called, 

“Loki Borson?”

Loki hesitated, glanced at Thor, who gave him an encouraging smile and then went to meet the man.

“Doctor Wilson?” Loki said as the door closed behind them and then walked a short distance into a Office. It wasn’t what he’d expected the walls were covered in photo’s of men and women in uniform. Some taken in a desert and some in what looked like a hospital. 

“Call me Sam.” he said sitting behind a desk. Loki took a padded chair across from him. “You have quite a list of reasons to be here Mr. Borson. Is there one you would like to focus on today?”

“My name is Loki. Not… anyway it doesn’t really matter. I’m only here to appease Thor.”

The doctor looked at the sheet of paper, pointedly turned it over and read the back, turned it back over and raised an eyebrow in Loki’s direction. 

“You didn’t list that here.”

“Fuck!” Loki said. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at the carpet. “What does it matter. I can’t be fixed anyway.”

“I’m not in the business of fixing people.”

“Then why the hell am I here?”

“I’m in the business of giving people the tools to deal with their problems. It looks like you could use some tools.”

“That’s it?"

“Pretty much. So what would you like to work on today?”

Loki heaved a sigh of relief. And started to talk.

The hour flew by and Loki was a little disappointed when it was over. He shook Dr. Sam’s hand, picked up his “homework” and went out of the office with a bit of hope in his heart. He’d dismissed the idea of medication and Sam didn’t press him, simply told him it was an option should he want to explore that and that they had a psychiatrist on staff should Loki change his mind.  
Instead of going back to the house as he’d expected, Thor asked if they could drive down to the beach. 

“I have a home site I need to look over if you don’t mind?”

“I don’t. That would be fine. Could we get supper after?”

Thor brightened and Loki wondered that such a simple request should mean so much.

The plot turned out to be on the top of a crumbling sandstone cliff that the ocean was reclaiming. Thor walked around it while Loki climbed down the cliff, kicked off his shoes and waded in the surf. He could hear Thor’s cursing about idiots and unstable ground and waste of money. 

After ten minutes Thor joined him and they walked up and down the private beach, nodding to the few sunbathers and smiling at a little girl and her dog playing in the surf. 

“Am I to understand that it going to be a difficult build?”

“It’s impossible to build on. It’s a drainage site for the lots around it. There isn’t enough stable level ground to put up dollhouse and the entire site is going to be in the ocean in ten years.”

“So when will you get started?”

Thor laughed.

“I’m turning him down. I may have a reputation for achieving miracles but that’s because I do know a lost cause when I see one Loki.”

“And yet here I am.”

Thor threw an arm around his shoulders.

“Obviously you’re not a lost cause. I wouldn’t endanger my reputation that way.” Thor said smugly.

Loki elbowed him and Thor pulled him into a bear hug pinning his arms to protect himself from further pummeling.

Loki laughed and allowed it and they stood in washing waves until one sloshed up past their rolled up pant legs and Loki struggled free. 

They walked back to the car carrying socks and shoes and holding hands. That earned them both frowns and a few smiles but neither mattered to Loki. The last hour was a good one and he intended to savor it. There was a seafood place down the road and Thor bought them a huge basket of clams and crab legs and sourdough bread which they ate outside, perched on the wall overlooking the ocean. An inquiring seagull landed beside them for a moment but took off when Thor flailed at it with the empty bag. Loki had to grab his arm to keep him from over balancing and falling the eight feet to the beach below. 

“You are a complete idiot, Thor.” He scolded.

“The bastard stole on of my French fries.”

“And that’s worth breaking your arm over?”

Thor’s reply was to lean over a lick a smear of butter off Loki’s cheek. 

“Damn!” Loki swore. 

He abruptly stood up and started gathering up the empty shells and stuffing them in the bag.

“Loki I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I’m not mad you, you great oaf. I simply don’t want to start something that is better finished an hour’s drive away.”

“Oh.” said Thor. “Oh.” He said again as realization dawned. Then he too rose too his feet and scrambled to pick up their trash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is fantasy. So the mental health stuff is a bit of a pastiche. Loki has a ton of trauma. But he's trying.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mischief and mayhem.

There was still plenty of traffic on the highway but it didn’t slow Thor, as he dodged from lane to lane accompanied by bleating horns. Loki knelt on the seat, leaned half out of the passenger side window and whooped like a mad man to encourage Thor’s recklessness. Finally Thor grabbed him by the back of his belt, and hauled him inside before he either fell out completely or was decapitated as they sped past a truck.

Loki sat back grinning, his hair a tangled mess, his cheeks red from the wind and his eyes sparkling. Thor thought he’d never seen anything so beautiful or desirable in his life and it was hard to keep his eyes on the road. He braked sharply at a sudden flash of taillights ahead and Loki barely kept from smashing his nose on the dashboard.

“You maniac!” Thor shouted over the bass beat of the cranked up radio. “Put your damn seatbelt on. I’m tired of hearing the alarm.” 

Loki obligingly leaned forward and buckled the seatbelt behind him, and the barely perceivable beeping stopped. He gave Thor a look daring him to comment.

Thor, already slowing for the heavier traffic, smirked, pulled over two lanes and dropped down to a sedate fifty-five. Loki frowned, shot him a glance, squirmed and sighed dramatically. When none of these maneuvers had the desired effect Loki rested his arm on the windowsill and pretended an interest in the passing landscape. Thor lowered the radio’s volume from rock concert to shopping mall background music level. The car dipped under the speed limit and there was the occasional annoyed toot as other drivers surged past. Loki’s sidelong glance showed Thor looking unperturbed and relaxed. The car started to slow further and Loki cursed, undid the seatbelt and fastened it across his chest. Thor’s foot moved back to the gas pedal and they picked up speed.

“Happy now, Father?” Loki inquired lightly.

“Don’t.” Thor said with a frown.

“Oooh,” Loki cooed in delight, grinning wickedly. “Did I do something wrong Daddy?”

“Loki, knock it off.” There was no humor in Thor’s expression.

“Please don’t be mad at me, Papa.” Loki bit his lip to keep from laughing at Thor’s discomfort. He placed his hand on his cousin’s knee and stroked up his thigh. “I can be a gooood boy.”

“That is not funny!”

Loki gave Thor’s thigh a squeeze and let go with a laugh. “I find it amusing.”

“You little shit!”

“Uh oh! Daddy’s angry. Are you going to spank me?”

“Goddamn it!” Thor snarled, cutting a sharp right onto their off ramp and causing a screech of breaking tires and yet another blaring horn.

“You really should pay more attention to your driving cousin. “ Loki said in a placid tone as he ran his fingers through his hair, raking out the worst of the tangles. “You seem to be rather distracted.”

“I’m going to make you pay for every second of this drive!” 

“I do hope so. It’s hardly worth the effort otherwise.” He pulled a pair of nail clippers from his pocket flicked out the file and attacked a rough spot on his ring finger. “Can we stop on the way home so I can pick up a bottle of nail polish?” He eyed his nails critically.

“Are you serious?!”

Loki gave Thor a glance from under his lashes and smiled. He decided to be merciful.

“No.”

“Good.” Thor snapped. 

Loki went back to filing his nails as they wound up the hills to Thor’s home. 

“You weren’t going to stop anyway, were you?” Loki said as Thor turned into the driveway. 

There was something in Loki’s voice that made Thor park and turn off the car before answering.

He turned to study Loki’s face. Under the mischievous smirk and air of nonchalance Thor sensed wariness. 

“I’ll stop anytime you want me too.” Thor said. Though he hoped it wasn’t going to be today. “For any reason, or none.”

“That would be rather unfair of me.” Loki said. He closed the file and stuffed the nail clippers back in his pocket. “Leading you on like that. Lying.” 

He opened the door, got out and walked toward the house. Thor caught up to him in a few quick strides. The first streaks of yellow and soft pink streaked the sky as the sun set behind the hill.

“Changing your mind isn’t lying, nor is it leading me on. Do you need more time?”

“No!” Loki crowded against Thor as he unlocked the door. “I’m almost crawling out of my skin as it is.”

“Are you sure?”

Loki shoved Thor against the wall as they stepped inside, knocking aside the coat rack and scattering scarves and hats across the floor. His hands fisted in Thor’s shirt and his lips pressed Thor’s with brutal hunger. Loki ground against him, abs and thighs and hips. Thor was so startled his hands came up on Loki’s chest as if to push him away. 

Loki broke the kiss only long enough to say, “Stop thinking Thor.” 

Then he attacked his cousin’s full lips, kissing and nipping, then darting his tongue in when they parted to his assault. Thor’s arms wrapped around Loki’s shoulders and returned the kisses with enthusiasm. Loki let go of Thor’s shirt and his hands dropped to his waist. His fingers didn’t fumble as he undid Thor’s belt, and the snap and zipper yielded without hesitation. Loki shoved Thor’s pants and boxers past his hips, freeing his cock. Thor pulled away from Loki and said;

“Loki, I think you should ...”

“No thinking Thor.” 

Loki said cutting him off. He squirmed out of Thor’s grasp and slid to his knees. 

“But…”

Whatever Thor meant to say, was lost when Loki wrapped his fingers around Thor’s jutting cock and licked his tongue, warm and wet up its length. Thor’s hands fell to Loki’s head and he moaned. 

“Mmmm.” Loki hummed. 

His lips pressed just under the flushed head. He kissed back down Thor’s shaft, opening his fingers so he could bury his nose in Thor’s pubes. His tongue licked over his cousin’s balls almost as afterthought, his focus on breathing in Thor’s rich, aroused scent. He placed a kiss on the base and started to work his way back up when Thor tugged his hair. Loki made a low animal sound halfway between a growl and a purr. He lifted his head only to swirl his tongue over the glans before taking Thor into the heat of his mouth. Thor tugged his hair again to tilt his head back and Loki looked up into Thor’s flushed face, his own cheeks pink, his pupils wide with pleasure and his glistening lips wrapped around his cousin’s thick cock. He knew how he looked. That it was Thor seeing him this time, made his heart beat faster. He purred a second time and Thor’s hips bucked at the vibration it sent down his shaft.

“Fuck! Loki!”

Loki chuckled, lifted his head from Thor’s cock with a last long wet lap, and rocked back on his heels.

“I think that will do for a warm up. Hmmmm?”

Thor’s fingers tightened in his hair and Loki grasped his forearm as he was dragged to his feet by that grip. 

“Warm up?” Thor growled. 

Loki opened his lips to Thor’s kiss and licked Thor’s tongue when it explored his mouth. He nipped Thor’s lower lip hard enough to draw blood and ground his jean covered hips on Thor’s bare erection. 

“Damn!” Said Thor shoving him away. “That hurt!”

Loki laughed and danced back. His eyes glittered with mischief and arousal. 

“Catch me cousin!”

“Don’t think I won’t!” Thundered Thor. He fumbled for his waist band and pulled his pants back up, while Loki peeled his shirt off and skipped backwards. He turned and leapt up the stairs, light as a gazelle when Thor charged across the room. Thor pounded up the stairs behind him. Loki grinned like the Devil himself before darting into Thor’s bedroom and closing the door.

Thor grasped the knob and swore when he found it locked.

“Let me in you bastard!”

“Say the magic words!” Laughed Loki.

“I’m going to pound your ass so hard you won’t be able to sit for a week!”

“Close enough.” said Loki opening the door so suddenly Thor staggered a few steps into the room. 

Loki grasped his arm before he could catch his balance and swung him in a half circle that ended when the back of Thor’s knees hit the edge of the bed and he abruptly sat down. Loki shoved his chest and then scrambled to straddle Thor.

“I forgot how strong you are.” Thor chuckled up at Loki. “you don’t look it.”

“Just because I’m not an over muscled gym rat doesn’t mean I’m weak.” 

Loki tugged at Thor’s shirt and Thor batted his hands away and worked at undoing the buttons.

“I like this shirt. Wait a minute.”

“Don’t want to wait.” Loki said brushing the unbuttoned shirt open to run his hands over Thor’s broad chest. “Not a minute, not a second more. Damn you’re beautiful.”

“Benefits of being a gym rat.” Thor said. He raised his arms and flexed. 

“God you’re so full of yourself.” Loki said and drummed his palms on Thor’s pecs.

Thor laughed, caught Loki’s wrists and rolled them both over.

“I’d rather you were full of me.” He said, pinning Loki wrists to the bed.

“Fuck! Yes!” Loki gasped.

His expression softened and Thor kissed him gently this time. Loki’s response was softer and when Thor released his wrists Loki’s hands cupped his cousin’s face.

“Now Thor, please.”

That was enough encouragement. Thor stood up and dropped his clothes on the floor. Loki kicked off his shoes, scooted up the bed and skinned out of his pants. He ran his hand down his lean abs, and then stroked his flushed cock a few times while Thor looked on entranced. 

Loki wet his lips, seeing that look on Thor’s face was priceless. If he wasn’t aching so badly for him, he’d milk this a little longer. Loki turned over to his hand and knees, lowered himself to his elbows looked back over his shoulder at Thor and said,

“Fuck me.”

Thor smiled, shook his head at Loki's demand, opened the night stand and pulled out a bottle of lube. He poured some in his hand, and settled on the bed beside Loki, reached his lube slick hand under his cousin's belly and grasped his cock. Loki moaned and rocked into Thor’s hand.

“Thor. Unnn... this is nice… but, Ahhh… I really want you to fuck me.”

“Mmm hmm.” said Thor twisting his hand as he stroked. He reached his other arm around Loki’s waist and pulled him up to nibble on the back of his neck. “I am not going to rush this.”

Loki reached back and traced his fingers up Thor’s thigh. He cupped Thor’s balls. 

“Thor, darling,” Loki panted, stroking behind Thor’s sack with his fingertips. “If you don’t get off your ass and fuck me this minute, I am going to put your balls around your ears.”

Thor laughed and loosened his grip. Loki went back to all fours. 

“Condom.” Loki said as Thor started to kneel on the bed.

“I trust you.” Thor said.

Loki rolled his eyes. “Don’t be an idiot. Recovering drug user, remember? Ex party favor? That ring any bells? Besides who says I trust you? Condom.”

Thor sighed and got out the package, and did the honors. Loki bounced on the bed in impatience and bit his lip to keep from urging his cousin to hurry up. Thor knelt behind him and ran his hands up Loki’s long thighs and over the globes of his ass. 

“Nice view.” Thor said.

“Stop admiring the scenery and get the fuck to work.” 

“Patience.” Thor chided and ran a lube slick thumb between Loki’s ass cheeks. He rubbed a circle around the tight ring of muscle. “Is this what you want?”

“I swear to god I am going to flay you, inch by fucking inch.”

“Inch by Inch?” Thor said and pressed the head of his cock against Loki’s hole. Loki gasped as Thor’s hands moved to his hips and he pulled Loki back.

“Yes! Oh fuck yes!” Loki cried as Thor opened him. His next sound was an inarticulate moan. He rocked back as Thor filled him, pulled him tight to his hips. Thor’s thick shaft inside him, his powerful hands on Loki’s hips, his scruffy beard brushed between Loki’s shoulder blades and then there were warm kisses on his spine. He was surrounded by Thor’s scent, his love, his power. Then his name was in Thor’s mouth like a prayer.

“Loki, Loki. My beautiful Love.”

“Yours.” panted Loki as Thor began to move in him. 

“I’ve wanted you for so long.” 

“Nnnmm.” Loki’s eyes were half closed. He started to stroke himself to Thor’s steady rhythm, meeting Thor’s thrusts with enthusiasm. Thor shifted his angle and Loki jumped and then hissed,

“Noo! Too much.”

“It hurts?”

Loki shook his head. “Feels too much. Too soon, not yet. Don’t stop.”

“Loki are you sure?” Thor said slowing.

“Shut up and fuck me!” Loki wailed.

Thor gave a low growl and snapped his hips forward hard. Loki gasped and smiled. This was more like it. He shut his eyes again and goaded his cousin.

“Is this… the best… you can do? Put some… fucking effort… into it...” 

Thor increased his pace, his fingers dug into Loki’s hips. Loki moaned in pleasure. That was going to leave a bruise. Thor over him, using him felt so good. He’d always wanted this even when his was a kid, terrified of Thor’s loud voice and angry glares. Even then he had wanted to feel Thor's strength on his skin. 

“You said... you’d make … me pay… do it!” 

“I am, you brat!” Thor snapped. 

Loki was rutting into Thor’s powerful thrusts. Rutting into his own pumping hand. Desire and shame and fear and lust twisted together in his mind. He only needed one more thing.

Loki’s laugh was wild. “Liar! …" Loki taunted. "Do what…you want! ...what you’ve always… wanted… Hit me! ... Hit me hard Thor!”

“LOKI!” Thor’s cry was shocked. He stopped cold.

“NO!” Loki screamed. “Don’t fucking stop! Not now!”

Thor wrapped his arms were around Loki, holding him and his lips were kissing him soft up his spine and Loki could hear his anguished “No. Loki, no. I love you. I love you.” His cock was softening and he pulled out leaving an empty aching void.

Loki twisted and snarled and raged as Thor pinned him to the bed.

“You lying cunt! You fucking useless bitch! I hate you. Goddamn you! Goddamn you!”

Thor held him tight until he stopped thrashing, stopped cursing. As his mind cleared Loki could hear Thor’s soft sobs. Loki shivered, guilt ridden, cold and dizzy. 

“Let me up Thor. Please.” 

“You won’t do anything ..”

“Let me up Thor. I’m going to be sick.”

Thor rolled off and Loki staggered to his feet. He headed towards where the bathroom door was in his room, turned around swayed, Thor caught his arm and half carried him the right direction. He held his hair back while Loki emptied his stomach, wiped his face off, and wrapped a towel around his shaking shoulders. Loki looked at Thor with eyes that seemed burned into the pale skin of his face.

“I’m sorry I’m so fucked up.”

Thor helped him to his feet. “It was too soon. That’s all Loki. It was just too soon. Do you want to go to your room or…” Thor paused “Maybe we could watch a movie or something?”

“I don’t want to be alone. A movie sounds good. If you can stand my company.”

“Now who is being an idiot?” Thor asked hugging Loki.

“You are,” Loki whispered, hugging him back. “A wonderful idiot. My wonderful idiot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One therapy session doesn't heal all and Loki was getting way too manic for this emotionally charged day to end well. Poor Thor has been through the wringer today.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation, misunderstandings and reflection. An unexpected visitor.

Loki lay on his side on the double recliner, his head on Thor’s bare chest, one knee pulled up over his cousin’s thighs. A blanket covered him and Thor’s arm was wrapped across his ribs, his hand resting on Loki’s hip. Loki shivered, still a bit cold and Thor reached across them and pulled the blanket up over Loki’s shoulders. 

On the wide screen a heavily made up Bernadette Peters sang “Stay with me.” Thor tightened his arm for a moment and Loki said softly, 

“I will Thor, don’t get sentimental on me.”

“It’s a sentimental play.”

“It’s anything but. I think that is why Frigga likes it so much. Have you heard from her lately? Does she know about…?” Loki stopped, uncertain whether he meant himself or both of them.

“I let her know you moved in with me and she sent me an email when she was in Tonga. She told me to take care of you.” 

“Is she coming back?”

“To live? I doubt it. She sold the house after father died. She’s always wanted to see the world and working with the Peace Corps lets her do that. She said she’d visit when she had a break. She likes teaching.”

“I always wondered why she gave it up.”

“I think because father needed her more, the older he got. Then when he got sick…”

“She took care of him. She took care of all of us. She was more a mother to me then Laufey ever was.” Loki sighed. “You know she asked me to call her mom when your parents took me in? Said I was her son. I couldn’t call her that though. She was better than that word.”

“I wondered why you always called her Frigga.” Thor stroked his fingers through Loki’s hair. “Laufey was that bad?”

“She wouldn’t leave Ve, she wouldn’t defend me. She told me I needed to be nicer to him so Ve wouldn’t get so upset. So he wouldn’t… “Loki squeezed his eyes shut and swallowed. The shame was still there. The sense of failure. “So he wouldn’t hit her.”

“That wasn’t true, you had no control over Ve’s temper.”

Loki shook his head in denial. “I did Thor. Sometimes I could…” He shook his head again. “Anyway Frigga was a saint compared to her. I used to wish she was my real mother.”

“Then I’d be your brother and this would be all kinds of fucked up.” Thor said.

“More than it is now?” Loki snuggled his head under Thor’s chin. “I liked it when people thought we were brothers. I liked that you never corrected them.” He smiled. “I wouldn’t care if it was fucked up.”

“You didn’t correct them either, not even when you were pissed off at me. You were always the brother of my heart.”

Loki smiled. “So what am I? Cousin, friend, lover or brother?”

“All of them.” Thor said and kissed the top of Loki’s head. “Always, no matter what, Loki.”

They were silent for a while, Thor watching and Loki listening to the play and to the beat of Thor’s heart. Towards the middle of the second act, Loki asked.

“So when are you going to go back to being a self-centered prick?” 

“I was thinking next month, maybe after the thirteenth. That fit your schedule?”

Loki laughed softly.

“Honestly Thor, you’re so chill it’s like I don’t know you anymore. You used to have a temper.”

“I still do. I have it under control now.” Thor glanced at Loki, whose eyes were half closed. “It that what you were trying to do earlier?” Thor asked softly. “Get me angry? Or do you have a .. a thing for pain?”

“No. I’m not a masochist. I.. I don’t know. I… I expect it. That’s all.” Loki shut his eyes and turned his face against Thor’s chest so his words were muffled. “If I make it happen, I have control.”

“You want to be in control?” Thor asked. “I don’t have a problem with that.”

“What if me being in control means we never do it again? We never fuck? Then what?”

“Is this a hypothetical question or are you trying to tell me you don’t like sex?”

“What if I don’t?”

“I’ll be disappointed. I’m not going to lie Loki. I enjoy sex. But I love you.”

Loki leaned back and looked Thor in the eye.

“I don’t know. I mean it feels good, but it feels bad too. Physically good, emotionally bad.”

Thor raised an eyebrow and waited.

Loki just shook his head. “It’s too much Thor, I don’t want to get into this tonight.” He put his head back on Thor’s chest. “Can we just watch the play?”

“Yeah.” Thor said. 

Loki was glad Thor dropped the subject. He couldn’t tell him anything more. Not now when he felt too raw, too exposed. Thor had gone still, his unconscious rubbing of Loki’s shoulder had slowed and then stopped. Loki wondered if he’d said too much. Was Thor rethinking their relationship? Loki chewed on his lower lip. He hated that he felt he was getting better and then all the fucked up behavior patterns would kick back in again, like a conditioned reflex. 

Asking Thor to hit him was so bad on so many levels. It played into Thor’s temper. He was big and imposing and Loki remembered the times Thor had ended an argument or deflected a fight simply by making a fist. As if reading his thoughts Thor’s hand clenched and Loki flinched. It was enough to make Thor break out of his own thoughts.

“huh?”

“The play is over Thor.” Loki said with a quick glance at the TV, covering his start.

Thor glanced up to see the menu screen. 

“Did you want to watch something else?”

Loki sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. “No.” He yawned.

Thor got up, popped out the disc and put it in its case. He was shelving it when Loki spoke.

“Can I sleep with you tonight?”

Thor turned around with a frown. 

“Not fuck you, just sleep.” Loki elaborated, his eyes soft and sad.

“No.” Thor said. 

Loki stared at him in shock. He’d expected rejection, just not this soon. He had thought they were getting along well and wanted to continue the feeling.

“I’m not made of stone.” Thor elaborated.

Loki’s eyes narrowed and his lips pressed together in a tight line. He felt ice cold anger creeping up his throat.

“Before you work yourself up,” Thor said, “consider what you are asking me. You want to lay next to me, have me hold you, knowing I will be aroused. And then not do anything about it. I don’t feel like going through that particular torture tonight.”

“I thought you had better self-control.” Loki sniped.

“Loki, I’m not going fight with you. Haven’t we been through enough today?”

Loki scowled at Thor. 

“Yes.” He snapped and stood up. “Quite enough. I’m going to bed.” Loki said and strode toward the door. His heart ached from Thor’s denial.

Thor caught him just as he reached the doorway and spun him around.

Loki glared and Thor laughed, causing Loki to be even more offended.

“You are such a pain in the ass.” Thor said and ruffled his hair.

Loki pulled from his grip and shoved past him. Did that idiot think he was going to go back to just friends now? 

Loki had only taken one step further when Thor’s hand came down with a sharp swat on his butt. He spun around, his face flushed red and for a moment Loki thought he was going to hit the grinning idiot.

“You! You!” Loki sputtered, fists clenched at his sides and for once at a loss for words.

He gave Thor a look of absolute fury and holding his flaming face high, he strode down the hall. Thor chuckled. Loki’s ears burned in shame. That he ever thought he could trust Thor. Loki was only an indulgence to him. An amusing project. He heard Thor turn on the news and the creak of the recliner as he settled back in. 

Loki slammed his bedroom door and pulled off his clothing, tearing his shirt in his effort to rid himself of anything that smelled like his cousin. He kicked them into a pile by the trash can and went into the bathroom, turning the shower on to a scorching heat. He used soap and wash cloth and finally the scrubbing brush until his skin burned. Steam blinded his eyes and he ended up knocking the shampoo bottle onto the shower floor as he groped for it. His fury peaked and he grabbed the bottle and threw it across the room where it hit the door to Thor’s bedroom and exploded in a splatter of shampoo. Loki slumped against the shower wall his anger burned out and only weariness left in its place. He turned off the water made a half assed attempt at drying off and fell into his sheets, his skin damp and his hair a tangled wet mess.

He didn’t hear Thor come down the hall a half hour later. Nor did he wake when Thor switched the sodden pillow under his head for a dry one and laid a towel under his head to catch the remaining water. Or when he retrieved Loki’s blankets from the floor and covered him. But his dreams eased, and he didn’t wake until the sun’s light was streaming through his bedroom window. The mess in the bathroom was untouched and Loki took the time to clean it up before he went in search of his cousin.

When he arrived downstairs there was fresh coffee and a small bowl of fresh sliced strawberries on the table, but Thor’s dishes were already in the rack and when Loki checked through the living room window, Thor’s car was gone. When he turned to go back into the kitchen he found his folder of neglected homework sitting on the coffee table. Thor must have taken it from the backseat before he left. 

For a split second his anger spiked. Seeing the folder felt like an accusation of his instability. Then Loki took a second breath and the emotion ebbed as he remembered waking up to the rough towel under his cheek and the blankets pulled up around his shoulders. He took the folder back into the kitchen, poured a cup of coffee and started reading. He ate the fruit without thinking and was surprised when his spoon scraped along the bottom of the empty bowl. Still hungry he fried up a couple of pieces of bacon and an egg, added some toast and fetched a pen from the study to fill out the first work sheet.

Loki was only halfway down the page when he had to stop and take a break. It was harder then it looked to answer the questions, especially in light of his behavior last night. He glanced down at the paper. It warned against making major decisions this first week. Dr. Wilson had said the same thing yesterday. He’d warned Loki that it was common for patients to feel euphoric after their first session and to know that the euphoria was usually temporary. And what had he done? Decided he was fine and dove right into an intimate relationship with Thor only a few hours later. And then threw a temper tantrum when he didn’t get his own way. 

He ran his fingers through his hair. It was still messy despite his efforts to brush out the knots. He could do something about that. He was in the bathroom a pair of scissors in his hand and pulling his hair to the side to begin hacking it off when he caught his reflection in the mirror. He was scowling and his teeth were bared in a snarl. He put the scissors down. This wasn’t an effort to tame the unruly locks, this was punishing himself again. Damn was he going to have to think about his every impulse? His every action? Loki shook his head, took out a hair tie and tied his hair back into bun. It was an effort to not pull it painfully tight. 

Loki grabbed a bottle of water and went out the back. He spent the rest of the morning walking the hills and letting the sun bake out the cold that had somehow seeped into his bones as he slept. He came back for lunch, hungry and disappointed at Thor’s absence. He managed a couple more lines of homework, ate a couple of peanut butter sandwiches washed down with a glass of milk and finished up with an apple. He went out to the patio to work on his play and promptly fell asleep in the warm shade of the palo verde. It was the sound of an unfamiliar car crunching up the gravel driveway that woke him an hour later. 

Loki yawned and stretched and rose to saunter up the trail around the house to see who the visitor was. So far Thor hadn’t entertained any of his friends at their home (and when, Loki thought, did this change from Thor’s home to our home?) but that didn’t preclude one of them stopping by. Or a stray door to door salesman or even someone lost on the tangled roads that wound up into the hills. 

He didn’t recognize the blue convertible in the driveway and was just turning to retreat back to the relative quiet of the patio when an all too familiar voice hailed him from the shadowed porch.

“Lolo, Honey, you’re a hard man to find.” 

Loki froze. The drowsy heat was banished as if a cloud passed in front of the sun. He watched in horror as the slender and almost comical figure of Andrew Gast traipsed out into the glaring light. He was wearing dark skinny jeans, a lime green shirt adorned with electric blue splashes and a pale linen jacket, which matched his deck shoes. His rings glittered as he waved his hands, his teeth flashed an immaculate white in the bronze of his tanned face and his eyes crinkled in apparent good humor.

“I almost gave up until I ran into Titus yesterday. You know he was worried about you, Baby. Said he dropped you off up here in the back of beyond and left. Didn’t even stick around to see if anyone was home. But I knew you were okay after your fantabulous cousin showed up and carried off your things. The rude boy stole my present.”

“What do you want Andrew?” Loki said coldly. His heart was hammering and he started scanning the chaparral around the house for one of Gast’s toadies.

“Lolo is that anyway to greet an old friend? Here I thought you’d be happy to see me, seeing how you’ve been hidden away up here for so long. No one to talk to but your beautiful cousin. I’m hurt. I’m hurt to my very heart.”

“You don’t have a heart. I know you didn’t drive up here to check on my health. What do you want?”

Loki spun at the sound of footsteps behind him and darted sideways before the big guy could get close to him.

“Why you so jumpy, Honey? You know George. He wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

Loki backed up to keep the two men in view. 

“You find anything George?”

“Just this.” George said, holding up Loki’s notebook as he walked carefully down the loose shale of the hillside behind Loki. “But it’s written in some kind of code.”

“Oh I know all about that. Bring it here George, it could be what I’m looking for. I was hoping there was one more golden egg in this particular goose.”

“That’s mine” Loki said edging closer to the burly George. “Put it down.”

“You know Baby, Sidney is cute as a button and so eager to please. It’s a pity the boy is such a one trick pony. Everything he’s written is just a rehash of his first work. Isn’t that sad? He just won’t do. I’m known for reinventing myself with every play. Now you on the other hand, you have such range, such depth. I would not be surprised if after your little rest you’ve, well me actually because without me you would be the same boring dull creature that you were when we met. So it’s really because of me that this work even exists. Isn’t it?”

Andrew was climbing up the slope towards Loki and the descending George, but his progress was slow as the cloth shoes didn’t allow for very robust terrain and the cholla was deterring any attempt at speed. George’s slick leather soles were made for city sidewalks, not the blasted rubble that passed for landscaping on the steep hillside. Loki realized he only had a matter of moments to act before his manuscript was lost to the voracious maw of Andrew Gast’s greed. 

Loki spun and leapt toward George, his long legs clearing the patches of low growing cactus with graceful bounds. He heard Andrew’s hurrying footsteps and angry; 

“George! Don’t let him get…” Gast’s words were cut off with a howl of pain that told Loki the cholla had just earned its name of jumping cactus.

George’s attention shifted to his swearing employer for a crucial few seconds and Loki hit him with his shoulder knocking the heavier man off balance. George flailed his arms, tried to get his footing on the sliding rocks and fell a crash onto his suit clad rump. Loki snatched his notebook from the thug’s hand and sprinted up the trail. 

Gast’s snarling cry of “Catch him you idiot!” sent George pounding after Loki. 

Loki paused at the top of the first rise. Neither man had pulled out a gun but it was too much to hope that they were unarmed. Despite its seeming isolation there were houses all along the road that ended in the cul-de-sac in front of Thor’s home. Gunfire would alert the neighbors and it was a short drive from the nearest police station to the only exit at the bottom of the winding road. Gast wasn’t stupid, and using a gun would be a last resort. Loki wait a moment more to watch Gast hobble toward his car and then he ran down the familiar trail scanning the brush on either side as George scrambled up the slope after him. Loki suddenly darted off the trail jumped over a couple of rocks and then rejoined the pathway, all of which shortened the distance between him and his pursuer.

George crested the hill and put on a sudden burst of speed as his quarry slowed. He heard the dry warning buzz too late to stop or spot its source. The blow on his calf felt like a punch and the sharp stabbing pain that followed combined with the heavy dragging weight told him his worst fear was realized. The terror he felt as he looked down to see seven feet of diamondback rattlesnake attached to his leg only made his heart race faster. He screamed, grabbed the snake, whose fangs had become caught in his pants leg and throw the animal as far into the brush as he could. 

“You might want to calm down, George.” Loki said. He had stopped about twenty feet away and clutched the notebook to his chest. “The faster your heart pumps the further the venom spreads. That big snake, I’ll bet she gave you a good dose too. You turn around and walk nice and calm back to the car your boss might get you to the hospital in time to save your life. If you’re lucky you might even get to keep your leg. I wouldn’t put any money on it though.”

“You knew that snake was there, I’ll kill you, you bastard.” George yelled, groping under his jacket.

“Stay calm George” Loki said ducking into the chaparral. “The clock is running. tick tock your life is running out.”

George swore and fired a round in the direction of the mocking voice. When there was no reply he turned and staggered back down the hill. 

Loki lay on his belly in shade of the manzanita, listening to Andrew’s angry questions and George’s frantic shouting reply that if Andrew didn’t start the car he was going to put a bullet in his head. Loki waited until he heard the tires spinning in gravel and the car’s engine fading into the distance. Only then did he lift his head above the brush and survey the path. He moved carefully through the chaparral, skirting the path and staying well away from the landing site of the agitated snake and scanning the ground for any of her brethren. He watched the road and the front of the house from his concealment until he was sure that Andrew hadn’t managed to stay behind. Then he worked his way to the back of the house. It took him a careful ten minutes to clear the house and another fifteen to find where Thor had secreted Odin’s gun. He loaded it, took a water bottle from the fridge and went back outside. There he took up a position on the other side of the hill were he could watch the road without being seen. 

He was still there three hours later when Thor pulled into the driveway and got out of his car. Loki waited until he was sure Thor was alone and there was no other car coming up the road before he followed him into the house, locking the front door and setting the dead bolt.

“Thor,” Loki said in a quavering voice, “We have a problem.”

“Loki,” Thor said coming out of the kitchen with a beer in his hand. “it’s been a long day. Can’t this wait until after I ...” 

He stopped suddenly at the sight Loki’s white face. His eyes widened as they trailed down to the gun in Loki’s hand. 

There was a soft thunk, and a bubbling hiss as the beer bottle hit the floor and its contents foamed across the rug. 

Loki laid the gun on the couch and hurried across the room to Thor, his voice held a note of hysteria.

“Andrew Gast was here. I think...I think I killed George.” 

Without a pause, Thor enveloped his cousin in his embrace and Loki clung to him.

“It’s alright Loki. I’ll take care of it.” Thor said stroking his hand down Loki’s trembling back. 

“Who is George and where is his body?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of intrigue in this fairly quiet story. BTW George is used because it sounds similar to Korg, as Andrew does to En Dwi.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Gast's visit.

Loki’s response was a high pitched laugh which ended in hiccups.

“Not here. They tried to steal…the snake… and Andrew got… a cactus… said he was… going to shoot him… I got the gun… to shoot them… but you came home.”

Thor took a deep breath and placed a gentle hand on Loki's shaking shoulder. “You need to calm down. Okay?”

Loki nodded, locking his jaw to keep the frantic words inside. Thor guided him into the kitchen and got him a glass of water. While his cousin composed himself Thor grabbed a dish towel and went back into the living room. He unloaded the gun, dropped the bullets in his pocket, and put the weapon out of sight on the high bookshelf. He cleaned up the spilled beer, returned to the kitchen for a fresh one, took a long drink and then sat down across from his cousin.

Loki watched him with nervous eyes.

Thor took another drink and said “You want to try again?”

Loki nodded a second time, took a last swallow of his water and relayed the events of the afternoon. Thor listened, asked a few questions and finally said,

“We need to call the police.”

“NO!” Loki rose to his feet and slammed his hands on the table. “You cannot call the police!”

“Loki, one of them, shot at you. He could have killed you! If En’s bodyguard dies as the result of a snakebite when he was chasing you, it’s not your fault. The police won’t care about that.”

“No Thor, you don't know Andrew. He will... he…” Loki bit his lower lip. “Please. Let me handle it.”

“By killing Gast if he returns?”

“If that is what it takes.”

Thor stood up. “Don't talk like a fool. I’m calling the police.”

“Thor please, you don’t know everything.” Loki said. 

“They came here, they tried to steal your play, and you were able to get away from them. What more is there to know?” Thor pulled out his phone.

“Andrew, he twists things. He twists everything and everyone he touches. He will twist this Thor. He’ll put the blame on me and he’ll make it stick. You call the police and I will be the one who goes to jail. And he won’t stop there. He’ll take you down as well.”

“Loki you act like the man is some kind of crime boss, instead of a failed playwright.”

“But he is Thor, or at least he associates with people who are. Who do you think funds his productions? How long will you be in business with that kind of opposition? Even an architect needs his designs built. You know how the construction business can be influenced. A few late deliveries, some subpar work, scheduling conflicts, lost permits and you get a reputation as a man who can't get things done.”

“You think he is really that influential?” Thor asked. His voice was heavy with doubt. “Are you sure you aren’t building him up into a boogieman? 

But Loki noticed Thor slid his phone back into his pocket.

“I…” Loki ran a hand through his hair in an unsuccessful attempt to smooth the wind tangled strands. “Is it worth the risk? Besides, any report will be my word against his. Andrew’s not a failed playwright, at least not to the theater world. He’s a highly successful playwright who keeps turning out wonderful plays and who has a reputation as a cherished mentor. And me Thor? I’m a drug addict with a history of unstable behavior. How serious will they take my accusations if videos of his parties make it to the internet?”

“You let him film you? How could you be so stupid?” It was Thor’s fist that hit the table this time.

Loki could see Thor’s anger was searching for an outlet and Loki provided one, familiar in this role.

“Let him? Thor, I encouraged it. Break all the rules and damn the consequences is my motto, or didn’t you notice? I laughed at the idea of making the straight laced prudes choke on their prejudices. I wanted to shock people.”

Thor’s furrowed brow and narrowed eyes dared Loki to go further. Loki hardly knew when his effort to dissuade Thor from calling the police had become one to draw his ire, but he found the words pouring from his mouth like corruption from an infected wound.

“I liked it Thor! I liked having the adoration, the worship of those men. The way they looked at me like I was a god. Have you any idea how powerful it felt to know I could have anyone in the room just by crooking a finger? To have them throw gifts of money and favors at my feet in exchange for a few casual caresses? I was wanted Thor. Desired. I was something to be fought over.”  
Loki spat the words at Thor, wanting him to strike out, strike back.

Thor strode toward Loki, breathing hard until Loki was backed up against the wall and Thor’s hands bracketed him. Loki could see his nails digging furrows into the plaster from the corner of his eyes. Thor was huge in his rage, the muscles bulging in his neck and across his massive shoulders. His blue eyes bore into Loki’s.

“You were a piece of meat tossed to a pack of mangy coyotes.” Thor said in a furious voice. 

Fear and desire mixed together in Loki’s mind, but it was the urge to provoke that decided his next move. To see how far he could push his cousin.

“Yes.” Loki said baring his teeth in a humorless grin. “Meat you will never get to taste.”

Thor’s growl was lost when his mouth came down on Loki’s, hard and rough. Loki felt Thor’s teeth hit his lower lip, the pain sharp and bright, and there was the sudden metallic taste of blood in his mouth. His hands came up and he grasped Thor’s hair, not to drag him away but to pull him closer. He held the kiss as Thor drew back, wanting his violence, secure in the part he’d played so many time before. Thor’s hand on his chest shoved him away.

Loki opened his mouth to curse his cousin, to spur Thor to raise his clenched fist and drive it into his mouth, shutting off the vindictive words hovering on Loki’s tongue.

But when Thor’s other hand came up it wasn’t a fist. Loki found his jaw gently cradled in Thor’s palm and Thor's thumb brushed over his lips, wiping away the drop of blood. The anger was still in Thor’s eyes but it was leashed, a dog trained to protect, not a wolf to rend him. There was no need for words. Loki knew now he could not break Thor. No matter what he said, no matter what he did, Thor would not hit him. Thor was no paragon of virtue, for he would return vicious words for Loki’s abusive tongue. He would tease and annoy. He would even raise his voice loud enough to shake the heavens, but he would never raise his fist to Loki. 

Loki was safe in his arms, in his love, if safety meant his heart was at Thor’s mercy. Thor’s hand was still on his chest holding him to the wall and Loki’s pulse was racing. To have that much strength, that much control and all of it offered to him. 

“Thor I should not have said…” Loki started.

“Nor should I. Hush.” Thor said and kissed him again. It was gentle, slow and Loki’s mouth opened under it. Thor’s tongue brushed his and withdrew, though his soft lips caressed Loki’s as if there was eternity to explore his mouth. Loki’s fear and anger and lust gave way and he took what Thor offered. His eyes shut and there was only the warmth of Thor’s lips, the soft intrusion of his tongue and the hot beery taste of his mouth when Loki licked into it.

Then Thor’s lips were on his jaw, on his throat, his loose shirt pushed aside so Thor could plant kisses across his collar bone to the juncture of his shoulder. Thor’s lips moved back along the top of his shoulder and up the side of his neck, over the corner of his jaw until his teeth found Loki’s ear lobe, which he nipped and sucked and the only thing keeping Loki on his feet was the broad hand that was planted on his chest, pinning him to the wall like a butterfly to a card.

Loki was panting, aroused but not demanding, not desperate. His grip on Thor’s hair had relaxed and he stroked his fingers through the shining blond waves. He turned his head to take Thor’s kisses on his lips. There was luxury in these soft languid caresses. Thor’s kisses were deliberate, strong but no longer violent, unhurried and sure. As if he was certain of his possession. Loki knew that Thor was right. Fight though he would, as he must, he was Thor’s. It could not be undone. 

When Thor pulled away a second time, Loki did not try to hold him, letting his hands drop to rest on Thor’s shoulders. He met Thor’s blue eyes and they were calm now, the summer sky after the storm. Calm and assured and not a trace of doubt or confusion left. Loki trembled under his gaze and Thor closed his hand, fisting the front of Loki’s shirt and dragging him in a circle until his butt hit the edge of the table.

“Thor, I..”

Thor’s kiss cut him off again and he was lifted up onto the table top and laid onto his back.

“No more words, Loki.” Thor said. 

Loki bit his lip but he made no protest when Thor pulled his shirt up and his mouth found Loki’s nipples and sucked and nipped. Loki’s words dried up, shrinking puddles under the heat of Thor’s unrelenting sun. The combination of lapping strokes and sharp nips caused Loki to moan. He felt Thor’s chuckle at his sounds rumble through his chest. Thor pulled away a third time and Loki made a mewling cry of loss. But his cousin only moved to unlace his shoes and drop them to the floor with low thuds. Loki’s belt was unbuckled and Thor watched his face as his fingers unbuttoned his waistband and unzipped his fly. Loki raised his rump off the table to allow Thor to pull down his jeans. His boxers went as well and he lay naked on his back, wearing only socks with his shirt rucked up to his armpits. His cock was hard on his belly, his nipples crinkled and red from Thor’s attentions, his lips parted and wet. His wide eyes never left Thor’s.

Thor smiled and spread Loki’s thighs, stepping between them. He undid the front of his work pants and his cock was hard and thick in his hand. He stroked it twice and his smile grew wider at Loki’s soft whimper. Thor put his hands on Loki’s hips and moved him until his ass was half off the table. Loki was passive, willing to let Thor direct him, though he was sure his pulse was hammering hard enough that Thor could see the flutter in his throat. When Thor pulled Loki’s knees up to rest them on his broad shoulders, Loki could not suppress his need any longer.

“Thor..” the name was a begging cry and Thor’s answer was a low growl.

Thor moved up and rested his cock against Loki’s. He licked his lips, spat into his palm then grasped both and stroked them together. Loki’s hips bucked and his fingers clawed at the table. Thor placed his free hand on Loki’s ribs, his weight shifted onto Loki’s chest as he leaned forward. His hips worked as his hand slid up and down the length of their cocks.

“Fuck Thor! Oh god!” Loki cried. 

Thor’s cock was smooth and hot against his, and Thor's hand was cool and rough with callous. Loki knew it should not have felt this good, a simple hand job, but it was more then that touch. It was Thor. It was his hair still holding the imprint of his hard hat and his skin that smelled like blueprint ink and sweat. It was the way the coarse nylon of the orange safety vest he still wore brushed over Loki’s chest and how his oversized belt buckle dug into one ass cheek. It was the jingle his keys made with each thrust. It was the sprinkle of plaster dust and sawdust that sifted out of his clothes as he moved. It was the harsh sound of his breath and the flush of his bearded cheeks. Above all it was his eyes that held Loki, blue and vast and changeable as the open sky. 

And the look that said, “You are mine, you have always been mine. You will always be mine.”

No hunger or need or desperate desire could make Loki feel as wanted, as loved and as vulnerable as Thor’s unassailable ownership. It was overwhelming, terrifying and freeing at the same moment and all he could do was grab Thor’s upper arms and rut into the stroking touch. He was bent nearly double as Thor captured his mouth again. The burn of stretched muscles down his back, the tender loving kiss and the sliding heat of Thor’s cock was too much. Loki’s hands clenched on Thor’s arms, his nails raking over the flannel sleeves. He gasped into his lover’s mouth, his eyes fluttered closed and his cock jerked in Thor’s grasp. He heard Thor’s deep moan as he came, that sound taking him higher then he’d ever been. Thor’s hand was perfect, milking Loki of every drop, wringing every bit of shivering sensation from his body as his seed splattered on his belly. He cried out and shuddered in release. Rising, flying and falling. 

There was darkness and warmth and Thor. A heart beat that could have been his or Thor's. Maybe both. Maybe there was only one heart shared between two bodies.

Lassitude washed over Loki. His hands slipped from Thor’s arms. His eyes opened. He could feel the slowing throb of his cock. Thor leaned over him, panting harshly, and his cock was hard, though his hand was still. Loki touched his cheek and Thor lifted his head, meeting Loki’s eyes.

“Please Thor.” Loki said, though it was hard to think, to speak. He wanted to sleep, but even more he wanted…

“Fuck me Thor.” 

“Are you sure?” Thor said and his words were harsh as his gasping breath.

“Please.” Loki said again drowsy eyed and sated.

Thor straightened up, fumbled in his shirt pocket, took out a condom and opened the package. Loki laughed softly. 

“Boy scout.”

Thor looked confused for a second and then grinned. “Be prepared.” he nodded as he put it on. “I wanted to be ready if you changed your mind.”

“Legit.” said Loki with a yawn.

“Are you going to fall asleep on me?”

“I’d like to.” Loki said. He sighed as Thor tore open a one use packet of lube and then rubbed his slick fingers over Loki's asshole. “Mmmm.” Loki squirmed his butt against Thor’s fingers. “I’d like to fall asleep while you fuck me, fall asleep with your cock up my ass. I trust you.” Loki blinked at his last three words. He hadn’t meant to say that. But it was true. He said it again as Thor pressed the head of his cock on the furled ring. “I trust you.

Loki was so relaxed it was easy to open for his cousin, to take that thick length into his body. The look of pleasure on Thor’s face was gratifying. Normally Loki didn’t like being fucked after he came, but everything was different with Thor. He felt no desire to be up and away from him. No reluctance as Thor rocked his hips. He purposely clenched to watch Thor’s reaction. The heavy weight was pleasant, the stretch and tug inside his body was pleasant, even his own drifting mind added a dreamlike quality to the experience. That he was no longer aroused allowed him to focus on Thor and he enjoyed watching Thor fuck him, a strange kind of voyeurism. He liked the sounds Thor made and the way he frowned, and the way his hands tightened on Loki’s hips. And now Loki could use his tongue freely.

“You’re beautiful Thor. Strong and patient and you move like stud horse when you fuck. Your cock is big enough for one. It feels so good up my ass, cousin.”

Loki clenched and Thor swore under his breath, shifted his hips and picked up his rhythm.

“You look like an angel Lover, and you fuck like a beast.” Loki growled. “Stretching me open. Filling me so deep.” 

He racked his nails over Thor’s butt and was rewarded with a cry of, “Fuck! Loki!”

“Say my name Lover. Say my name!”

“Loki!” Thor panted, “Loki, shut the fuck up.” 

“Shove your fat cock down my throat and maybe I will.” Loki laughed and scratched Thor’s ass again as he clenched around his thrusting cock.

”Gaah!” Thor cried his hips pistoning.

“Fuck my mouth Thor and I’ll shut up. Let me gag on your cock. I want to feel your hands pulling my hair as you thrust down my throat. I want to taste your cum in my mouth, it feel it splash hot on my face. I want you to take me every way you can. I want you to mark me with your spend inside and out.”

“Loki!” Thor cried. 

His hips stuttered, his back arced and he drove hard into Loki’s ass. Loki watched Thor’s face as he came. His look of pleasure so intense it might be pain, the slackness as he hit release, his eyes unfocused, lids dropping. His weight shifting to his hands as they slid from Loki’s hips to the tabletop. Loki pulled Thor all the way down, until his head was on Loki’s chest. Loki stroked Thor’s hair while his cousin’s breathing slowed, his heartbeat slowed. Holding him. Holding on.

Finally Thor lifted his head, raised back up and pulled out from Loki’s body. He brushed his fingers over Loki’s cheek.

“You okay?” He asked.

“I think I could sleep for a year after that.” Loki replied.

“You know what I mean.” Thor persisted. “Any regrets?”

“Only that you didn’t round off this tabletop. I’m going to have the imprint of that square edge on my ass for a week.” Loki said, squirming upright and pushing off the table. “I vote for either the bed or the sofa next time.” He rubbed his rump and gave Thor a mildly disapproving glance. He relented at Thor’s worried expression. 

“No worries Lover.” He put his hand on the back of Thor’s neck and stood on tiptoe to kiss his forehead. 

Thor pulled him into a hug and Loki leaned against him. 

“Can we go to bed now?” Loki asked yawning.

“Um hmm.” said Thor releasing him. He paused to pick up Loki’s clothes and then followed him up the stairs. 

“Wow.” Thor said from the stairway as Loki climbed to the second floor. “That did leave quite a mark.”

Loki scowled down at him.

“Maybe I can kiss it and make it better?” Thor asked raising an eyebrow.

“Perhaps.” Loki said, his expression softening, “perhaps.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes all the talking in the world doesn't help. At least not when Loki can run circles around himself and get tangled up in his own fearful logic.  
> Thor played to his own strength. Love and care through action.
> 
> Gast can wait until morning.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some communication difficulties and Loki tries his go to remedy for smoothing relationship troubles

It wasn’t to bed but to the shower that Loki went. He wanted to clean up and think about what he had, what they had just done. Thor joined him without invitation. There was plenty of room, the shower was built to Thor’s size twice over. But to Loki it was an intrusion. He hadn’t lied when he told Thor sex felt good physically and bad emotionally and now was the time when all the misgivings started to play through his mind. Thor was shoving into his personal space and crowding Loki when he felt at his most vulnerable. Because now he was at Thor’s disposal. Thor would do whatever he wanted and Loki was supposed to bite his tongue and say nothing. 

Loki dropped his head and let the cool water pour down on the back of his neck, hoping Thor would just wash and leave. His shoulders tensed when Thor reached around him and turned the hot water up. 

“No wonder you are cold all the time.” Thor said as Loki edged out of the path of the too warm water. “Doesn’t that feel nicer?”

Loki didn’t answer as he traded places with Thor. Instead put his back to Thor, picked up a washcloth, soaped it into a lather with more force then was necessary and began vigorously scrubbing his cousin’s sweat and smell off of his skin. He didn’t need to see it to know that Thor’s forehead was wrinkled into a disapproving frown. But when he glanced over his shoulder Thor had his head back and was rinsing shampoo out of his hair, oblivious to Loki’s discomfort. Loki wasn’t sure whether he was angered or hurt. Either way he wanted nothing more to do with Thor this evening. He sidled around him and turned the hot water off. 

Thor sputtered and jumped out of the stream.

“What the hell?” Thor shouted.

“What the hell indeed.” Loki said calmly as he took his place under the cooling water. He warily watched Thor as he rinsed off.

“That was a dirty trick.” Thor grumbled.

“Then perhaps you should not insert yourself where your presence is not requested.” Loki said, turning off the water and wringing out his hair.

Thor looked at him with an air of bafflement.

“I didn’t think you would mind. Not after…” Thor put a hand on Loki’s shoulder squeezed and grinned. The grin died on his face when Loki flinched and pulled away.

“We fucked Thor.” Loki said. “That doesn’t take away my autonomy, nor give you unlimited access to my body.”

Loki stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He walked to his bedroom door and paused when Thor said.

“Damn it! Why do you have to be so touchy?”

Loki turned back, fury burning in his eyes.

“Perhaps the same reason you have to be so overbearing and oblivious.” He spat.

He went into his bedroom, slammed the door and locked it.

Thor’s cursing followed him, but Thor did not. Loki breathed a sigh of relief when the shower turned back on. He dried off, opened the window, turned off the light and stretched out on top of the quilt. He craved the cool air that wafted over his naked skin. He felt over heated and his empty stomach was roiled with emotion.

When Thor finished and left the bathroom for his own bedroom, Loki sat up filled a glass from the carafe he kept by the bed and drank. That settled his nausea and strangely enough his thoughts. He lay back down and shut his eyes, resting but not sleeping. He heard Thor’s door open, his steps as he walked down the hall and paused at Loki’s door. Loki felt the automatic tensing of his shoulders and flexed them. He hoped Thor would just move on and not try to start up a conversation.

“I’m going to order Chinese, you want me to get you something?”

Loki considered ignoring him, but he was hungry. “Shrimp Foo Young?” he asked. “Maybe some fried rice?”

“Sure. I’m getting the cashew chicken. If you want to share.”

Loki didn’t answer. 

“I’ll wake you when it arrives, then.” Thor said, and his steps sounded on the wood floor.

“Thank you.” Loki was surprised to hear himself say.

Thor’s steps paused a second time.

“I’ll put your food in the kitchen, if you don’t feel like company.”

“That won’t be necessary. I just need some time alone.”

“Okay.”

“Thor, I’m sorry, I...”

“Don’t be. I should have asked first. We just need time to… to figure each other out.” Thor waited a moment then clattered down the stairs when Loki didn’t answer. 

Loki relaxed, his thoughts stopped racing, and he drifted on the edge of unconsciousness. Thor’s muffled voice placing their order, followed by the theme song of the evening news program when Thor turned on the TV was comforting. The smell of the chaparral, of sage and dust and manzinita increased his feeling of safety.

“I’m home.” Loki thought. “This is my home.” Thor had said it to him often enough, but now this room, this house, felt like more than a temporary stopping place. “We fought and he apologized. Thor apologized.”

Loki tried to consider the ramifications of that, but the word ramifications turned into a ram and trotted over the hills and Loki chased it all the way to the shore then back through town, to Odin and Frigga’s old house. He went into the rose garden and saw Gast fighting a giant rattlesnake. Gast’s face was swollen and black from the poison and the snake had several bloody wounds from the knife he clutched in his hand. Gast turned to Loki and said, 

“I am so hurt that you let your cousin do this to me. I’m afraid I’ll have to kill him and eat his liver. That’s the cure for snakebite you know.” 

“Don’t worry Loki, it’s not your fault.” The rattlesnake said in Thor’s voice. 

“He’s not my cousin.” Loki said knowing that the truth would turn Thor back into himself, so he could defeat Gast, “He’s my lover.”

“He was supposed to be an only child.” said Odin rising like a vampire from his grave by the glowing barbecue. He was holding a spatula and wearing a “Kiss the Cook” apron. “How do you want your liver? No matter how hard you try it won’t be well done.”

“Your dinner is here.” the rattlesnake said.

“Loki? You awake?” Thor’s voice brought him out of the dream.

“Yes.” Loki sat up and ran his hands through his hair, clearing the remnants of the dream from his mind. His stomach growled. “Give me a minute. I’ll be down.” 

He flicked the light on and looked around the room. The clothes he’d been wearing were on the chair, where his cousin had left them. Loki didn’t feel like getting redressed in clothes that reminded him of this afternoon's encounter with Gast. The dream left him disoriented and wanting Thor’s company. Loki smiled as a sudden inspiration hit him. He dug through his possessions, and smiled as he found what he was looking for.

When he came downstairs, his food was in the kitchen as Thor had promised. Loki loaded up his plate, made himself a cup of hot tea and went up to the media room to join Thor, who was sitting on the sofa in his robe and sleep pants.

“You don’t mind if I join you?” Loki asked.

“No, not at….” Thor glanced up from the TV and the look on his face and the way his jaw dropped was gratifying to Loki. 

“Good.” said Loki. 

He set his plate and cup on Thor’s tray and slid into his lap. Thor’s arm wrapped around his waist.

“I see you are feeling better.” Thor said.

“More sociable at least.” said Loki putting one arm across Thor’s shoulders and picking up his fork. “You like?”

“Yes. Where did you get this?”

“From the first theater I worked in. It’s a belly dancers outfit. I’ve been saving it for a special occasion.”

“Saving it?” Thor’s forehead wrinkled. He didn’t remember the outfit in the clothes he’d picked up at En’s and he was sure this would have caught his attention. He looked Loki over doubtfully, wondering if he was lying. He decided he wasn't. The entire costume could almost fit in an envelope, it was that sheer. “This constitutes a special occasion?”

“You do.”

Loki wiggled his butt to get more comfortable and took a second bite of rice. As a form of apology the costume was easier than words. He was glad it had survived unnoticed and intact during his time with En. 

“I’m not complaining but shouldn’t there be something worn under this?” Thor said running his hand over the translucent material that covered Loki’s thigh in a haze of blue.

“Normally. If it bothers you I can go upstairs and put on underwear.”

“It bothers me in all the right ways.” Thor said opening his mouth to take the forkful Loki offered him. “Shouldn’t that be grapes?”

“We are out of grapes.” Loki said and leaned forward to lick a drop of sauce off of Thor’s chin. “Napkins too, I’m afraid.” he lied, ignoring the one tucked next to Thor’s plate. “I suppose that I, as royal concubine will have to use my tongue to clean up any spills.”

“When I was a King in Babylon and you were a virgin slave.”

Loki chortled. “We are going rather far back in time. It would be easier if your robe was off, your majesty.” his eyes crinkled in wicked humor. “If you feel like giving your poor enslaved cousin any concessions.”

“Is that how you want to play it?” Thor smiled. He untied his robe and shrugged it off. “You wouldn’t be enslaved if you hadn’t tried to usurp the throne.” He grinned at the flush that spread across his cousin’s face. “It would have been the ax for you, had you not seduced me with your delectable body.”

“Hah!” Loki said. He fed Thor a bite of the cashew chicken and then licked up a drop that hit his chest close to one dark nipple. “It was your own deviant desires that seduced you. I was helpless to resist.” 

“I don’t remember you objecting. In fact I remember you begging me to fuck you again.” Thor could see that Loki’s shaft was hardening with every word. “What was it you said? “Please Thor, I want your huge cock again.”

Loki chuckled. “I see you enjoy fantasy,” He squirmed his butt on Thor’s lap, rubbing against Thor’s growing erection. “but our food is getting cold your majesty.” He picked up his own plate and started to eat.

“You devil!” Thor growled. 

When Loki grinned at him, Thor dropped his hand to Loki’s cock and gave it a squeeze and a stroke. Loki gasped and nearly dropped his plate.

“If you are so hungry, get on your knees and service your king.” 

Thor gave Loki’s butt a shove and Loki obligingly laid his plate on the couch and knelt in front of Thor. His long fingers quickly opened the fly of Thor’s loose fitting pants. Loki’s moan was heated and when Thor’s cock was free of the material he rubbed his face up and done the length.

Thor shivered and then Loki felt Thor’s fingers in his hair, tugging him back. “That’s enough. Your chin feels like sandpaper. You have been derelict in your grooming my dear concubine.”

“What would you have me do, oh my king?” Loki asked and his tongue darted over his parted lips.

“Suck my cock Loki. Suck my cock, my traitorous kinsman.” Thor paused as Loki met his eyes. He pulled his hair hard and Loki moaned again. “You enjoying yourself?”  
Though the answer was obvious from the way Loki’s cock tented the sheer harem pants.

“Yes. Will you claim that you’re not getting off on this?” Loki said and breathed warm on Thor’s shaft.

“Brat!” Thor said with a growl, diving back into the role play, “Then pleasure your king. Put that silver tongue to work.”

Thor moaned at the soft lap of Loki’s tongue up his length as Loki did his bidding. It was heady to have his cousin at his command. At the same time there was the nagging thought that Loki was fragile and that he might be using sex to get back into Thor’s good graces. It was only when Loki glanced up to meet his eyes and smirked at his heated response, that Thor relaxed. The smirk was follow by a head toss to get his hair off his face and another wet caress that made Thor tighten his grip on Loki’s hair.

Far from submitting to Thor’s urging Loki reached for his tea, raised his head and took a drink and held the hot liquid in his mouth. He placed his cup on the floor pressed his lips to Thor’s cock, swallowed and then took the head into the artificial heat of his mouth. Thor bucked and shoved deep into that almost too hot grasp. 

“OH FUCK!” He gasped as Loki dove into his thrust, swallowed a second time and took the head into his tight slick throat. Thor could feel the muscles spasming around his cock as Loki gagged and he couldn’t keep from thrusting twice more into the intensity of that pleasure before he eased his grip on Loki’s hair. Loki came up panting for air, drool running down his chin. A grinned at Thor, took a second drink off his tea and said,

“God that feels good. Do it like that. Fuck my mouth.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Hurt me? Damn it Thor! I love it rough. How many time do I have to say it? I trust you.” Loki squeezed Thor’s hand where it rested on his head. “As long as you let me up for air, I’m fine. More than fine.” He slid his hand inside the sheer pants and stroked his own engorged shaft. His voice took on an edge of demand. “Now fuck my throat. I want to cum gagging on your cock.”

“Who’s in charge here? I thought I was the king.” Thor said guiding Loki’s head back between his thighs.

“I'm in charge. You're just the puppet on the throne.” Loki said and his lips were wet and hot as they slid over the red flushed head and down the glistening length. He palmed Thor’s balls left handed and his clever fingers stroked back to brush over Thor’s tight hole.

"Puppet am I?" 

Thor grinned at Loki’s statement. He liked it when Loki was pushy. He worked his cock in short slow thrusts, until Loki frowned up at him, growled in frustration and dug his nails into Thor’s butt cheek. Thor chuckled and rammed deep, jerking Loki’s head forward until he took every think inch. Again that clenching heat of Loki’s throat gripped his cock and he fucked into it. Loki’s eyes fluttered shut and his hand was rapid on his own cock. Thor pulled back only enough for Loki to grab a quick breath of air and then he forced his head back down. Loki’s heated moan encouraging him to be relentless in his assault. 

Thor was a gentle lover in practice. Careful of his strength and wanting to give as much pleasure as he received. But Loki unleashed a darker impulse in him and encouraged, no begged, for his violence. He could see with every harsh shove into his cousin‘s throat how much Loki was enjoying this. He was red faced, choking, sweat dampening his hair, and drool coating his chin and smearing onto Thor’s balls. Yet every time Thor eased up to give him a break, those burning emerald eyes opened and glared and his nails stabbed viciously into Thor’s rump. The front of the harem pants was dark with his precum and the rhythm of his stroking hand unabated.

Thor gave in. He gripped Loki’s head between his hands and pumped in hard deep stokes. He used Loki as Loki desired, harsh and brutal. The harder he fucked, the rougher his hips slammed into Loki's lips, the softer Loki’s expression grew. It wasn’t the physical pleasure alone that was taking Thor apart, it was watching Loki break down, his masks sliding away, one by one until he was as open and exposed as Thor had ever seen him.

When Thor eased back again, Loki’s face didn’t harden, and his hand on his cock had slowed to a languid pace. Thor cradled his head and slide his cock in short, easy strokes between Loki’s swollen lips. Loki’s eyes opened, the pupils so wide they looked black, and he made soft whimpering sounds as he sucked. It was the most erotic and vulnerable sight Thor had ever seen. 

It was that trust that pushed Thor over the edge. Loki's carefully guarded softness revealed, that started the pulse which throbbed up his cock. He came in long shuddering waves into Loki’s ravaged mouth. Loki’s whining as he slurped down his spend, sent Thor ever higher. His eyes were locked on Loki’s and he was lost in their depths, lost in pleasure.

“I love you.” Thor thought, panted out, between the shivering rush of release. Loki’s eyes crinkled in a smile as he bobbed his head and lapped his tongue, urging every last drop from Thor’s shaft. Overwhelmed Thor's eyes closed. His thrusts slowed, stopped, lassitude washed over him and he drifted.

Loki rested his head on Thor’s thigh and held his cock in the warm embrace of his mouth while Thor’s breathing slowed. His eyes blinked open and he brushed his fingers through Loki’s hair, smoothing the tangles. He watched Loki stroking himself. 

“Yeah Love,” Thor encouraged. “play with yourself for me. Pet your pretty cock.”

Loki’s soft moan sent a shiver down Thor’s spine and told him he was on the right track. 

“You look so beautiful with your mouth around my cock and my cum on your lips.” 

Loki met his glance and he whined, begging with his eyes. Thor smiled and continued as Loki’s pace increased and he started to rock into his hand. The gentle sucking on Thor’s softening cock was pleasant. Not too much yet.

“You take it so good, Love. I’m going to fuck your mouth every night.”

Loki eyes fluttered shut and he moaned, his hand a blur on his shaft.

“Cum for me, Loki.”

Loki’s hips stilled, his hand slowed, and he shuddered as he came, hot spurts soaking the thin material, turning it transparent. Shivering in a slow cascade of release. He finally collapsed, leaning against Thor’s thigh.

“Good Love,” Thor said as Loki took his mouth from Thor’s flaccid cock. “My good boy.”

Loki chuckled as he panted. “Hardly that.” He managed when he got his breath back. “I’m no boy and I’m not good.”

“My skilled little cocksucker, then?” Thor asked, tipping Loki’s head back and he leaned forward to kiss him. He could taste the salt sour of his spend on Loki’s lips. 

“I could live with that. I think I like the “my.” Just don’t presume.” Loki reached for his tea, emptied the cup and made a face. “It’s gone cold. As no doubt, has our dinner.”

Thor tugged Loki close when he stood up, pulled the band of his pants down and lapped his tongue over Loki’s cum smeared belly.

“Ugh!” Loki said shoving away with a grimace. “Don’t do that!”

“Presuming? Sorry, I should have asked.”

“No. It’s just…” Loki trailed off.

Thor tilted his head puzzled. “Fine for you to taste my cum, but not for me to taste yours?”

Loki looked at him, shook his head, shrugged and said “Maybe?”

“Why don’t you get cleaned up and I’ll reheat dinner. We can talk this over then.”

“Must we?” Loki said as he headed to the downstairs bathroom.

“Yes.” Thor said and there was a stubbornness in his expression that Loki knew wouldn’t be put off. 

Thor spoke to him through the closed door. 

“As much as I like it, you aren’t going to fuck your way out of talking to me. You’re more important to me than a blow job, no matter how good it is.” Loki’s frown was banished when Thor added. “Which it was, my Love. The best.”

Loki allowed himself to feel the warm glow that Thor’s words kindled in him. Pride he supposed. Then he smiled. Thor’s indomitable will coupled with his compassion made him feel a security he’d never felt with anyone else. He’d been in love before, madly passionately in love. This was different. Thor was home. It wasn’t that there was no passion, it was that this was deeper. 

“I’m not in love.” Loki thought. “I love him. Not the idealized version of Thor, not the hope that Thor would be different. Thor himself. His clumsy, caring, mule headed self.”

It was a strange feeling. Not being carried away by a flood of emotion, tumbled and battered only to wind up on some barren shore when the feelings receded. This was like a tree, growing stronger every day. How could he feel secure in Thor’s love, yet frightened by his own feelings for him?   
Loki finished cleaning up, smoothed his disarranged hair. The beeping of the microwave told him their meal was ready. He knew why he was afraid. It wasn’t Thor he really doubted, it was himself. He wasn’t sure he could trust Thor with that knowledge. Not yet. He sighed. He couldn’t operate on instinct anymore and let things happen, as he had in the past. He needed to keep his eyes open, and somehow still keep his heart open. If he continued with this Thor would be able to hurt him, like no one ever had. And he would too. Loki knew his cousin’s temper. He knew they were too different and too much alike not to fight. This was not going to be easy and Thor didn’t even see the damage they would do to each other. To Thor, love conquered all. Loki knew better. 

He took a deep breath to steady himself, and opened the door anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fun interlude, but Thor will not be bought off with sex. Loki resolves to keep going in spite of his own fear.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki tries to deal with his problems.

Loki joined Thor in the kitchen. He wished he’d taken time to change out of the costume. What had seemed romantic in the dim lighting of the media room, became tatty under the brighter kitchen lights. The various mends in a multitude of different blue threads, the gauzy material faintly stained in places, the shimmer worn off from years of use. It looked what it was. A cheap costume destined for the trash. 

“Fitting.” Loki thought.

He picked at a neglected tear while Thor ate, then at his cousin’s questioning glance, took up his fork and made a pretense of eating. When Thor covered his hand, Loki realized he’d worked the small tear apart and was picking open the skin of his thigh. A few drops of blood welled between his fingers. 

“Would it be better if we waited until morning to talk?” Thor asked softly.

Loki sighed and nodded. Glad for any excuse to postpone the Gast conversation and even more, any commentary Thor might have about where their relationship was going. It wasn’t a rejection of his cousin, though he knew it felt like that to Thor. He’d seen the tightness around his eyes that betrayed his mask of calm acceptance. Loki wondered how long it would be before he began to wear on Thor, if he could already see the cracks in his composure. 

Wanting to make up for not talking, Loki followed Thor to his room and crawled into the oversized bed beside him. In truth there was some comfort in Thor’s warmth and in the weight of his arm around his waist, even if it made Loki feel a little like he was being caged. He shut his eyes and eventually drifted into sleep, his mind reiterating the long day’s events.

It was still dark when Loki awoke, but he could hear the tentative chirps of birds telling him dawn was not far off. His thoughts chased each other in circles, unresolved from the night before.

If he could not comprehend his own nature how could he expect Thor to understand? When they had made love, he wanted Thor to claim him, to own him, body and soul. Thor’s possessiveness was wanted and cherished. A few minutes later and he felt smothered by his very presence. As if his cousin was going to take everything that made him Loki away, and leave only room for Thor. Or for Thor’s vision of who he should be.

And what the hell was he going to do about Gast? That bastard was not going to simply forget about him. He’d destroy Thor if he thought of it, solely because doing so would hurt Loki. He never let things slide and any sign of rebellion was met with punishment. If Loki gave him the play it would only delay things. Gast would be back for the next one and the next one until Loki had nothing left for him to take. Loki silently snarled. He didn’t want to give up his play. It was the best he’d written. The monster wasn’t getting his hands on it.

Loki quietly got out of bed returned to his room and began to dress. He picked up his shoes and listened for Thor’s snoring. Satisfied his cousin was still deep in slumber, he crept down the stairs. 

There was only one way to deal with Mr. Andrew Gast, Loki thought. The permanent way. He paused in the kitchen to put on his shoes and considered his next move. He could take Thor’s keys from the hook, borrow his car and drive into town. But his cousin would notice the keys were gone as soon as he came downstairs. He might even call the police on Loki for stealing his car. Plus he didn’t want Thor implicated in Gast’s death. Could he use Odin’s gun? He knew that bullets could be traced, but did the police keep a record of them somewhere? He didn’t know.  
Loki paced from the kitchen to the front door and back again as he tried to figure out a strategy.

Maybe he could just strangle the old fuck. He was in better shape then he’d been in a year and Gast only played the occasional game of tennis. Loki was fairly sure he could break the man’s neck. But he’d have to get close and find him alone. Not be seen too. He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life in prison because of Gast. He’d need to wait until Gast left his uptown apartment and went to the party house. 

Maybe if he called him and promised to turn over the play. But he’d have to use Thor’s phone. Or borrow one? Steal one? If he wasn’t taking the car he’d need to call a cab and then what? Cabs kept records. So did rental car agencies. Plus he didn’t have any money. 

Loki shook his head in frustration.

He’d have to chance Odin’s gun and park Thor’s car far enough away that no one would connect it to Gast’s death. Loki knew it was a risky plan but it was the best he could come up with on short notice. And time was of the essence. Gast would already be planning his own retaliation if he hadn’t already set something in motion.

The sense of urgency became overwhelming and sent Loki into action. He searched through the house for Odin’s gun, trying to remember where Thor might have left it the night before. Loki finally found the weapon on top of the bookcase, but it was unloaded and the bullets were not in the safe, nor in the office, the living room or the movie room. His hunt became frantic as the last minutes of the fading night slipped past. He returned to the kitchen and opened drawers and rifled unsuccessfully through their contents. Loki hit the counter in frustration. 

“God Damn you Thor!”

“What did I do now?” Thor said with a yawn as he stood in the doorway.

Loki spun on his heel.

“What are you doing up?” He demanded.

Thor brushed past him and picked the gun up off the table. 

“It was a little hard to sleep with all the noise you were making. Planning on doing a little target shooting?” He glanced to the empty key hook. “Or a road trip?”

“Fuck!” Loki swore. He took two steps toward Thor, tuned back around, dropped into a chair, rested his elbows on the table and put his head in his hands.

Thor walked out of the kitchen and Loki heard him go to his office. He returned a few moments later and began to make coffee. 

“You could have at least made a pot,” Thor said. “What were you thinking Loki? That you’d go and threaten Gast to stay away.”

“He doesn’t threaten.” Loki said. 

“Then what?” Thor put his hand on Loki’s bent head. “Tell me you weren’t going to… to… hurt yourself.”

The catch in Thor’s voice brought Loki’s head up.

“Fuck no! That bastard isn’t worth it. I wouldn’t Thor, not now.” Loki looked into Thor’s worried face. “I was going to kill him.” 

“God!” Thor ran his hands through his hair in exasperation. “You are not that stupid.”

“WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?” Loki slammed his hands on the table and surged to his feet. “TELL ME THOR! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?”

Thor reached a hand for Loki’s shoulder, meaning to calm him. Loki snarled and shoved his hand away. He stepped forward as Loki lashed out with a lightning quick punch. It caught Thor completely off guard and what might have been meant as a feint, landed full force on his nose. 

Loki’s face mirrored Thor’s look of started surprise the half second before Thor roared, headless of the blood streaming over his mouth and returned the blow. His fist slammed into Loki’s jaw snapping his head sideways. Loki staggered back and for a moment he cringed. Thor saw the fear in Loki's posture and lowered his fist as shame welled in his heart. Then Loki’s eyes blazed with rage and hurt and he launched himself at Thor, pummeling wildly.

“I TRUSTED YOU!” He screamed as Thor raised his arms to block the hail of blows.

Loki was no longer the frail, half-starved creature that had washed up on Thor’s doorstep months ago. The better food, the long walks and the hours he’d taken up relearning his dance skill had combined to add a layer of muscle over his lean frame. The punches hurt and Thor was hard pressed to hold back any retaliation. But he both knew how to fight and carried twice the muscle that Loki did. As soon as the initial flurry of attack slowed, he managed to slam Loki against the wall and pin him until his fury subsided.

“You hit me!” Loki panted, half sobbing.

“YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE FUCKING NOSE!” Thor yelled back, using volume to bleed off his own anger. “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EXPECT? AN ENGRAVED INVITATION TO A GODDAMNED TEA PARTY?”

“I… I…” Loki coughed, took a deep breath and then burst out in a fit laughter at the absurdity of Thor’s words. 

Thor shook him like a rat in a terrier’s mouth.

“YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?” He roared and slammed Loki back into the wall.

“Actually…” Loki got out between barks of laughter. “Yes. I find the idea of you in a frilly pink dress pouring tea from Frigga's flowered teapot quite funny.”

Thor blinked at Loki, his anger evaporating.

“Where you planning on having any of those little iced cakes?” Loki asked. "With the silver sprinkles?"

“It's what mother always says when she’s upset.” Thor grumbled, letting go of his cousin’s shirt.

“I think she holds off the swearing.” Loki said, straightening his clothing. He went to the freezer, took out the ice cube tray and emptied it into a dish towel. He returned with his offering. “This will help with the swelling. I didn’t break it did I?”

“I don’t think so.” Thor said, gingerly handling his nose. He wiped the blood off his face with a corner of the towel before placing the wrapped ice over his nose. “You have to make breakfast now. In fact you have to cook breakfast all week.”

“Letting me off lightly, I see.” said Loki. His voice was shaky even if his words were not. “Why not lunch and dinner too?”

“I’ve had your cooking. I don’t trust you beyond frying eggs.” Thor chuckled.

“Just for that you are getting cold cereal.” Loki shot back. But he took the skillet off the rack and put it on the stove and dropped a pat of butter in it to melt. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you. I was… I wanted to hit him. Not you. You…”

“Where there?” Thor supplied. “I think the coffee is ready.”

“Walked into it, was what I was going to say.” Loki said. He poured Thor a cup of coffee and returned to making breakfast. “But there too.”

“You fought back.” 

“So I did.” Loki sounded both proud and puzzled. “I didn’t before. Not with my fists anyway.”

“So why did you this time?” Thor asked curious about what had turned Loki from acquiescence to defense.

Loki thought while he fried bacon and cooked their eggs. It wasn’t until he brought the plates to the table, poured his own coffee and sat down that he answered.

“I think it’s because I still trust you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah talking would be better, but Loki really doesn't like talking about important things.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unwanted meeting.

Over Loki’s protests Thor called the police department to report the attempted theft and shooting, if for no other reason than to prevent Loki committing murder and ending up in prison for the rest of his life. The officer answering said someone would be by later to take the details and would they be home? Thor affirmed that they would be. Loki glared at him in defeat and retreated outside, notebook in hand. Thor went to his office to work on his latest design. By the time he stopped for lunch, it had grown dark enough to put on the lights.

Thor had just finished his meal when a sudden crack of thunder and a loud drumming on the metal roof heralded the arrival of a rare summer cloudburst. He glanced out the back window. There was no sign of his cousin on the patio. Realizing Loki must have gone on a walk, he fetched a bath towel and waited for his arrival. A minute later the back door flew open and Loki dashed inside, bent over shielding his precious notebook. His clothes were soaked and water ran off him in streams. Thor went to wrap him in the towel and Loki shoved the notebook at him.

“Not me you idiot! Dry the book!” He snapped.

Thor frowned but patted the outside of the notebook dry until Loki, now stripped out of his wet clothes grabbed both book and towel away from him.

“God Thor, I don’t care about the fucking cover!” He opened it and began pressing the damp pages with the towel while muttering under his breath.

Thor shook his head and fetched two more towels, wrapping one around Loki’s wet hair and the using the other to dry his shivering cousin. 

“Just my fucking luck if the rain destroyed what Andrew couldn’t steal. Goddamn it this page is a total loss! Why the fuck couldn’t you buy pens that wouldn’t run?” 

Thor didn’t answer him, knowing Loki was only looking for an outlet for his frustration. He did however venture to say, “I thought you’d already transcribed most of this to the lap top. Can’t you just rewrite any pages you haven’t added?”

At Loki’s scowl, Thor tried. “You remember what you wrote, right?”

“I don’t know. I…” Loki took a deep breath. “I don’t know. Maybe. I went back and added notes. I’ve been revising and… Oh fuck I can’t lose this. What if it’s the only good thing I’ll ever write? The only play performed under my name? ” 

“Hey, calm down.” Thor said. He was kneeling on the floor to dry Loki’s calves and feet. He placed the towel down to soak up the water puddled on the concrete. “We’ll save it. There’s got to be a way to see what you wrote even if the ink smeared. They do it on cop shows all the time.” 

“Thor, that’s TV, not reality.” Loki said. But he sounded uncertain, and not so panicked.

Thor planted a kiss on one cool, pale butt cheek before he rose to his feet. “I know historians restore old documents. We can check with the historical society if your book is too damaged to read once it’s dry. They should be able to help, or if not, recommend someone who can.”

Thor dried Loki’s hair with the second towel and then used it to mop up the wet footprints from the back door to the table. His cousin was no longer shivering, but his skin was pebbled with cold. Thor put his arms around him. Loki didn’t stop carefully taking out pages and laying them to dry, but he did lean into the embrace. 

“Thank you.” He said.

“Hey no problem.” Thor said resting his chin on Loki’s shoulder. He could feel Loki’s rapid breathing had slowed. 

“I could use some help here.” Loki said. “If you’re done fondling.”

“Never done.” Thor said letting him go with a kiss on the nape of his neck. “I could finish this while you put on some dry clothes.”

Loki shook his head. “When I’m done.”

Thor shrugged and stepped to the other side of the table. He spread out damp pages as Loki ripped them from the notebook. Soon every flat surface in the kitchen was covered with drying paper and they moved into the living room to lay out the last few sheets. To his relief, Thor noted that most of them were only slightly blurred. 

There was a knock on the door, Loki looked toward the front windows, swore and dashed upstairs. Thor chuckled and enjoyed the view. He waited until Loki was in his room and answered the door. 

There were two of them, both in plain clothes. The first man was nearly as large as Thor, but he carried his size gracefully, without Thor’s tendency to loom. He identified himself as Lieutenant Carter from the Criminal Intelligence division. With him was a gruff, silent man whom he introduced as Sergeant Buchanan. Thor invited them in, indicated where they could hang their dripping rain coats, offered coffee, which they declined and cleared the damp pages off the back of the couch for them to sit down. He took a chair across from them and started to relay the story when the Lieutenant interrupted him.

“Excuse me Mr. Borrson, but I need to speak to your brother. He’s the one who was directly involved in the incident. Is he here?”

“My cousin.” Thor corrected. “By marriage. We aren’t actually related. My uncle adopted him and he moved in with us when…”

“Really Thor.” Loki drawled as he traipsed down the stairs, clad in an old t-shirt and jeans, a pair of sneakers on his bare feet. His hair was loosely tied back, a few strands curled around his face. Thor couldn’t help smiling, though he knew Loki was in a mood by the tone of his voice.

“I shan’t think Captain, I beg your pardon, _Lieutenant_ Carter has any interest in the history of our family.” Loki turned his attention to the two detectives. “As to whether I am home or not, I would think even you were capable of such a deduction after staring at me through a window. Enjoy the show?”

Thor narrowed his eyes in warning, but Loki was not backing off. He dropped onto the arm of Thor’s chair and draped himself across the back like an oversized cat, resting one hand on Thor’s chest. 

“Mr. Borrson.” Lieutenant Carter said with a slight nod.

“Oh?” Loki said, “Are we being formal today? I see you brought your dog.”

Sergeant Buchanan made a slight growling sound and started to stand. Carter gave a curt jerk of his chin and the Sergeant returned to his seat. 

“Loki,” Thor said. “These officers are here to help you.”

Loki made a dismissive sound. “They are here to get some dirt on Andrew Gast. Criminal Intelligence? Is that were you ended up after they kicked you out of Vice?” Loki smiled wickedly. “I am surprised you are still going after Gast seeing as you failed so spectacularly the last time.”

“This is a waste of time, cap.” The Sergeant said. “You know this guy won’t spill on his Sugar Daddy.”

Thor felt Loki tense and he set his jaw belligerently. “Watch your mouth!” He rumbled.

“Fido’s playing bad cop again?” Loki snarled. “I’d think you two would occasionally change up your routine, if only for the verity. I really don’t buy you as the sweet voice of reason Lieutenant.” Loki lowered his voice and his eyes were cold and hard. “I can smell the rage on you.”

“I’m here to take your statement about yesterday Mr. Borrson.” The Lieutenant said. His mouth was set in a straight line. “Nothing more.” 

He turned to Thor. “Perhaps you could show the Sergeant where the shooting took place?”

Thor closed his hand over Loki’s. His voice was low and his speech clipped when he answered. “I can’t. I wasn’t here when it happened. You will have to ask Loki to show you.” He stared at the Lieutenant and added. “I think my cousin will be more comfortable in answering your questions if I remain.” He squeezed Loki’s hand. There was a pause before Loki squeezed it back.

“In that case, wait in the car Sergeant. We will examine the area after I am finished with Mr. Borrson.”

Buchanan looked doubtful, but he retrieved his coat and left. 

Carter rubbed the bridge of his nose for a moment. “I think I’ll take you up on that offer of coffee.”

Thor glanced at Loki who gave his back a light shove. 

“Go on, make the coffee. The Lieutenant doesn’t bite. That’s what the Sergeant is for.” Loki dropped down into the chair when Thor stood up. He turned to Carter. “He has had his shots, hasn’t he? Isn’t there a departmental regulation about that?”

Thor went into the kitchen and started the coffee. Now that the rain had stopped he could clearly hear the two men. He wasn’t as concerned now that Carter was the only one with Loki. He didn’t trust Buchanan as far as he could throw him. Glancing out the back, his suspicions were confirmed when he saw the Sergeant poking around the patio. Thor opened the back door and the man recoiled in surprise, his hand slipping inside his coat.

“Looking for something?” Thor asked.

“I’m examining the scene of the alleged crime. You got a problem with that?” Buchanan took up a stance as if preparing for a fight. When Thor didn’t react, he glanced around the yard. “What’s in there?” He pointed to a small windowless utility shed at the far corner of the house. 

“Tools.”

“You mind if I take a look?”

Thor shrugged and tuned back inside. “Help yourself.” He partly closed the door, waited until the Sergeant had opened the shed and stepped inside and then he popped his head back out.

“Watch your step, the rattlesnakes get in when it rains.” Thor called.

There was a yell and the Sergeant back peddled out of the shed, the garden hose tangled around one ankle.

Thor smiled as he shut the backdoor. 

In the living room Loki had apparently given up his feud and was reciting a bare bones account of the incident. He’d reached the point of his escape by snake when Thor arrived, balancing three cups of coffee. Loki stood up to take his mug, waited while Thor handed one to Carter and then motioned Thor into the chair. As soon as Thor was settled, Loki took a seat on his lap and lay one arm across his shoulders. Thor would have thought it was for the sole purpose of making the Lieutenant uncomfortable had he not felt Loki’s trembling. He put his free arm around Loki’s waist.

Loki took a drink of coffee and said. “Now you see my cousin’s need to straighten you out on how unrelated we are. He didn’t want you thinking we were deviants. Well no more then you already do in my case.” 

Carter sighed. “Must you make this difficult? Tell me what happened after you fled up the hillside.”

“You want me to go easy on you?” Loki asked. “Like you did on me? 

“That wasn’t my call. I was as upset about it as…” Carter stopped in the face of Loki’s glare.

“I’m so glad you can absolve yourself of responsibility.” Loki snapped. 

“I tried to get you out of there.”

“Not hard enough.”

Loki was shaking and Thor put his cup down and wrapped both arms around his cousin. It was either that or get up and pummel the detective into the couch. Which wouldn’t go well for anyone. To his surprise Loki stopped his tirade and took another drink of coffee. Thor nuzzled the back of his neck too angry to trust himself to speech.

Loki sighed. 

Carter waited in silence while Loki finished drinking and put down the mug.

“You saw Mr.” Carter flipped back through his book frowned. “Do you know George’s last name?”

Loki shook his head. “Marlow? Martin? Something like that. I only heard it once.

“You saw the snake bite George. Then what.”

“I told him he needed to get to a hospital and he shot at me.”

“Only once?” 

“I was already in the chaparral by then. He couldn’t see me. They drove away afterward. I did hear him threaten to shoot Gast. I don’t suppose he did?”

“No. Gast was at a fundraiser with his patron last night. Walking with a cane. So the cactus did some damage.”

“Maybe it will get infected and his leg will rot off.” Loki smiled “One can hope.”

“Not a fan anymore?”

“I wasn’t back then. But I knew what happens to people who cross him.”

“You want to tell me about it?”

Loki shook his head. “No. And I’m not going to testify to any of this. You understand that? I’m not going through hell again so you get a chance to play Elliot Ness vs Al Capone. You got your information, now go make your own case and leave me and Thor out of it.” 

“You know it’s not that simple. Once we are called in we have to do our jobs. I could take you in as a material witness.”

“Because that went so well last time.” Loki said.

“That’s not going to happen.” Thor growled.

Loki patted Thor’s hand. “He won’t try it Thor.” His tone sounded assured, but Thor could feel him shivering. “The Lieutenant knows I’ll swear that Gast and I are the very best of friends. I’ll say that you misunderstood my story last night and called the police in good faith, but with the wrong information. In fact had no idea the lieutenant and his friend were going to be here until they showed up."

“And when Gast returns?” Carter asked. “What will you do then? As long as he’s free you won’t be safe.”

“Why Lieutenant, you almost make me believe you care. Don’t tell me you are going to offer me protection for my testimony. We both know that _isn’t your call._ ”

Carter winced but he didn’t look away. He stood up. “Will you show me where the shooting took place?”

Loki shook his head. “No. I don’t think so. I don’t want you and Cujo tromping all over my hiking area, ripping up the landscape and shooting the local wildlife.”

Carter looked down at Loki with an expression of sadness. “I’m not your enemy.”

“Nor are you a friend.” Loki answered. “Perhaps it’s time you left.”

Carter nodded. He dropped a card on the coffee table. “Thank you for the coffee. Call me if anything else happens.” 

“I would not hold my breath.” Loki said as the Lieutenant got his coat and left. When the door shut behind him, Loki moved until he could hide his face against his cousin’s neck.

“You’ve met him before. You want to tell me about it.”

“No.” said Loki in a small voice.

“I thought you trusted me.”

“Don’t push me.” Loki said.

“Alright.” Thor rubbed Loki’s back and watched the two detectives through the window. The Lieutenant spoke while the Sargent shot glowering looks at the house. Then they walked up the trail and disappeared over the crest of the hill. By the time they returned, got in their car and drove off, Loki had recovered and was busy checking the state of the pages.

“Are they salvageable?”

“For the most part. You were right. The ones that are completely illegible I had entered in the laptop. I need to transcribe the rest. I'll need access to the internet. I’m sending my play to a few people I can trust. I don’t want Gast to get away with stealing it, if something happens to me.”

“I won’t let Gast or anyone else hurt you Loki. I’ll kill him myself if I need to.”

“Now there’s a thought. The police would hardly think you had killed him after calling them and laying out your motive so nicely.”

“Damn it Loki, what am I supposed to do here?”

Loki put down the page he was examining, walked back to Thor and laid his hand on Thor’s cheek.

“I don’t know Beloved. I don’t what either of us is supposed to do.”

Thor pulled him into a hug.

“You’ll figure something out. You’re the clever one.”

“And _you_ are the sensible one. We shall have to come up with a plan together.” 

Thor kissed his cheek. “The bastard doesn’t stand a chance against both of us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems Loki has a past history with the police.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pushing boundaries. Where Loki sends mixed messages and Thor hears the one that's most appealing.

Loki spent the next day transcribing his notes into the laptop, but it was restless work. He moved from the living room to the kitchen then to the entertainment room. The rain had returned and was dripping down in a steady drizzle that gave no signs of stopping, so he was unable to retreat to his favorite spot on the patio. His own room felt closed off, cold and distant. He finally ended up perched cross-legged on a corner of Thor’s desk like a gangly gargoyle, the laptop resting on a cushion laid across his knees. Thor slid his own computer over and worked in the constrained space as best he could, occasionally bumping Loki’s thigh with his elbow as he typed.

The fifth time it happened Loki said “I should leave, I’m in your way.”

Thor put his hand on his cousin’s knee. “Yes you are. No you should not. I’m almost finished. Are you up to going out for dinner? This rain is getting on my nerves and I’m tired of being inside.”

“Yes. Should I change?” 

“No. We’ll go somewhere casual. I just need to get out.”

Loki ruffled Thor’s hair. “As do I.” 

It was a half hour later when Thor closed out the revised blueprints and sent it to his contractor. Nick was a miracle worker and if anyone could get the revisions worked into the schedule Nick was the man. Thor was not happy with this particular client. Mr. Ross was always so amiable in person but his last minute changes were a nightmare to implement. Luckily he was wealthy enough to pay for the overtime and so far hadn’t groused about the costs. All to do with adding security features to his home. Things Thor could have easily designed in from the beginning, if Ross had been up front with him. But the man had a streak of paranoia a mile wide and was under the impression that secrecy equaled security.

Thor dismissed him from his mind and glanced over at his cousin who was frowning at his laptop as if it had offended him. Whatever the problem was, he made a decision and his fingers were flying over the keypad a moment later, though his brow was still furrowed in concentration. Thor was loath to interrupt his cousin when he was so intensely focused. Thor smiled. Loki had the tip of his tongue protruding from his thin lips as he leaned back from the screen. Thor had the impulse to reach out and touch Loki’s tongue tip with a finger, something he knew would only irritate his cousin.

Loki seemed to feel his gaze and glanced at Thor without altering his expression. Thor gave into the impulse.

Loki reared back at the touch, the very picture of offended dignity and Thor burst out laughing.

Loki wiped his lips with the back of his hand and then smoothed his hair, tucking it behind his ears. “Am I to assume you have completed your work?” His voice overly formal.

Thor chuckled. “You are a cat.”

Loki narrowed his eyes, considered whether he should be offended and decided to let it go. The turned back to the laptop, typed in a few more words, then closed out the program.  
“I am finished. Even if Gast does get his hands on the play he won’t be able to do anything with it.”

Thor raised an eyebrow. 

“My play is finished Thor. I,” Loki took a breath. “I realized I have been putting off the last steps. I registered it at the copyright office.” He slid a credit card toward Thor. To Thor's surprise it was his. “I owe you fifty five dollars in addition to everything else.”

“You lifted my card? When?”

thor picked it up and replaced it in his wallet.

“This morning. You left your wallet on your night stand when you showered.”

“Why?”

Loki sighed, unfolded his long legs and pushed off the desk. “Because I thought about running this morning. I thought about slipping out my bedroom window and leaving.” At Thor’s soft sound of distress he touched his cousin’s face. “But I didn’t Thor. I’m still here.”

“But why keep it all day?”

“First because having the option to leave makes it easier to stay. Second, because I knew I’d need the money to register the play and you were deeply involved in cursing someone named Ross and I didn’t want to disturb you. Are you angry about the money? I’ll pay you back once I’m working again.” 

“I,” Thor shook his head. “No, I’m not angry about the money. I told you before, that it’s not a problem. Odin should have made some provision for you in his will as he …”

“No, Thor. He was **your** father not mine. He gave me a home and he owed me nothing. I will pay you back.”

“You were his nephew, he owed you a home.”

“I was only his nephew because Ve adopted me to get Laufey to forgive him. I have no desire to go over this again. I will pay you back once I am working.” Loki said with finality. 

“As you wish cousin.” Thor elbowed Loki as they walked down the half level to the living room. “I suppose I’ll have to return the jewelry.”

Loki turned at the bottom of the steps and put his hands on Thor’s shoulders, tilted his head and smiled. “What jewelry?”

“Reconsidering?” Thor smirked, sliding a hand around Loki’s waist and pulling him in so their groins bumped. He ran his free hand over Loki’s chest and tweaked his nipples. “A pair of gold bars would look nice here. With emerald caps to match your eyes.”

Loki ground against him, put his forehead on Thor’s and said in a low husky voice. “I thought we were going out for dinner.”

Thor’s hand slid down to Loki’s butt and gave it a squeeze. “I’d rather eat you.”

Loki shoved him away with a grin. “Oh no. You promised me dinner and jewelry. Pay then play, Thor. No wonder you don’t have a mistress if you treat them like this.”

“Could be. How does barbecue sound? The Texas place shouldn’t be too crowded, not with the rain and no show tonight.”

Loki shrugged and took a hoodie off the coat rack. “I’m a roadhouse and not a fine dining boyfriend? Let me guess the bars, are plated and cut glass.”

“You wanted casual. As for the bars,” Thor said shrugging into his own coat. “How about you blow me after dinner and we will see if you’re worth 24 caret.”

Loki froze with the door open. “Fuck!”

“Loki?” Thor asked softly. He glanced past him, but the driveway was empty of all but the car. He placed a hand on Loki’s shoulder. “Are you alright? I didn’t..”

Loki gave a shaky laugh. “I’m fine Thor. More than fine.” He blew out a breath. “In the car?”

“What’s in the car?” Thor asked, stepping in front of his cousin to be between him and any threat.

Loki smacked him on the butt. “No you oaf. Do you want me to blow you in the car? After dinner?”

Thor glanced back. Loki’s face was flushed and his eyes bright with mischief. “You could park in the corner behind the furniture place.”

Thor licked his lips. “You’re serious.”

“Yeah. In the dark, in the rain, no one will see us.”

“Get in the car. Get in the fucking car.” Thor ordered his voice thick.

Loki laughed, ran to the car through the rain. He had to wait for Thor to unlock the door and danced from foot to foot as Thor took his time.

“I’m getting soaked.”

“Good. Maybe that will cool you off a bit.”

“I could ask for a cup of ice when we leave, if that’s how you like it.” Loki said with a wicked grin.

Thor shook his head, started the car. “It’s a family restaurant, I would like to arrive in decent condition.”

“Your coat is long enough to cover your hard on. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“The problem is, if you don’t knock it off I’m going to the McDonald’s drive through and take you right back home.”

“No jewelry?”

“You’ll be lucky to get a plastic hair clip.”

“Humph.” Loki folded his arms over his chest. “I suppose if I must.”

Thor watched him out of the corner of his eye. Loki’s put upon attitude was all show and quickly passed. In a few minutes he was avidly viewing the homes and shops they passed. When he stared at a movie marquee Thor inquired, “Would you like to see a movie?”

“I don’t know what’s playing.”

That’s easily fixed.” said Thor, fishing in his pocket and handing Loki his phone. “Find something. And not one of your arty ones.”

Loki rolled his eyes and Thor went back to his driving as Loki squinted at the phone and scrolled through the choices. When they pulled into the restaurant Thor asked. “Well?”

Loki handed him back the phone. “I don’t care. You pick something.” As Thor started to pull into a slot Loki tugged at his sleeve and pointed to the far corner of the parking lot. 

“Park over there Thor.”

Thor glanced at him and did as he was bid. When they got out he said. “You really are serious aren’t you?”

“For emeralds and gold? Of course I am.”

“Loki you don’t need to. I was kidding. I’ll buy them anyway.”

“Oh no. You are not getting out of it that easily. You want a back alley blow job, you’re getting a back alley blow job.”

“I think you’re the one who wants it.”

“Mmm.” Loki hummed. “I expect cash for my tip.”

“To stuff in your g-string?” Thor inquired.

Their conversation was cut short as they entered the building, where a family with three boisterous children waited to be seated. There was little chance for flirting after that. Waitresses and menus and silverware appeared at their table in quick succession. Loki peered at the menu, held it at arm’s length, frowned and then dropped it on the table. A cartoon cowboy on a bucking bronco grinned from the back.

“You order. You know what I like.”

Thor wrinkled his brow thinking about Loki’s sudden indecisiveness. He glanced down at his menu to as he made their selections. There were quite a lot of choices with nightly specials, combo meals and a children’s menu crammed into the single sheet. A cowgirl roping a calf graced the back of his.

“You need glasses.” Thor said after he’d ordered.

Loki made a non-committal sound and looked away.

“That’s why you frown when you work. I thought you were concentrating.”

“Thor leave it alone.”

“And why you wouldn’t pick out a movie. Is it why you get headaches?”

“Fine. I need glasses. Happy now?”

“Why not tell me?”

“I have done without them most of my life.”

“You should not have had to.” Thor grumbled. “I’ll take you to the optometrist tomorrow.”

“No. I get by fine. I don’t want you spending more money on me.”

“Loki the money doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me. It is bad enough that you pay for my clothes and food and housing.” 

“Loki, calm down.”

“I will not calm down. Why are you trying to chain me to you with debt? How much obligation will you load on my back?”

“Um, who had the ice tea?” A young waitress asked. Thor pointed at Loki and she placed the chilled glass on his side of the table, put a tall mug of draft beer in front of Thor and fled.

“Just for that she’s getting your tip.” Thor said.

Loki poured his own drink and pretended to be interested in the soccer game playing on the closest screen.

“You want to pay me back, pay it forward Loki.”

“Don’t get sentimental and start quoting feel good memes at me. I’m not you.”

“No you’re not. But I’ve seen what you’ve written. You have real talent. Someday you will be in a position to help other aspiring playwrights.” Thor took a drink from his beer. “There will always be people like Gast. Someone ready to take advantage of people looking for a mentor. “

“More fool they.”

“Loki I’m betting that you won’t be like him. I’m not making you a loan. I’m investing you. In your future, in our future.”

Loki glanced over and Thor gave him a tentative smile. “You can always support me when you’re rich and famous." Thor said. "I’m not going to complain if you buy me thousand dollar suits and sports cars.”

Loki rubbed the space between his brows, “You wouldn’t, would you?”

Their food arrived and there was a few moments of passing plates and then they were alone again.

“Oh hell no.” Thor said. “I’d lay around the pool all day sipping champagne and working on my tan.”

“You better be hitting the gym also or I may replace you with the pool boy.”

“Ha!” Thor leaned across the table and said in a low voice. “I’ll stay in shape by riding you every night.” He smiled at Loki’s blush. “The pool boy won’t stand a chance.”

“No he won’t.” Loki agreed. “And to think I reached this greatness from a humble beginning working nights in a parking lot.”

“That’s still on?” Thor said “You’ve got barbecue on your cheek. No, the right side.”

“That is my right side.” Loki wiped the offending drop away. “Looking forward to it. Aren’t you?”

“If you’re sure.”

“If you’re sure about the bars.” Loki caught Thor’s worried expression. “I can tell the difference between a game and reality. It’s a game Thor.”

Thor nodded, they ate in silence, but it was a companionable silence. It wasn’t until they were finishing off their desert that Thor brought the subject up. He reached over, plucked a strawberry off of Loki’s cheese cake and then offered it to him. Loki glanced around. Their booth provided a bit of privacy and the table across from them was now empty of customers and waiting to be bused. He took the fruit from Thor’s fingers with his lips, sucking his middle finger into his mouth. 

“Nice preview.” Thor growled and leaned forward and whispered. “Does it get you hard? Thinking about earning some jewelry for your pretty little nipples by sucking my cock?”

Loki flushed and bit his lip. He nodded and looked up at Thor through his eyelashes. “I think it is time to leave.”

While Thor settled the bill Loki took a moment to use the men’s room and wash off any remaining barbecue sauce. He stuffed his hoodie pocket with paper towels in hopes of needing them for cleanup. He glanced across the restaurant as he left the restroom. Thor caught his eye and made a show of tucking several bills in his shirt pocket. Loki crossed the room and sidled up to Thor as he was putting his wallet away.

“Ice or no ice?”

“I’ll forgo the experiment.”

“Not all of it, I hope.” Loki took his hand as they stepped outside.

“Not at all of it.” Thor squeezed his hand. “I may reinstate your tip if you are good enough.”

“I will be.” 

They splashed across the parking lot and Loki scanned the cars. None of them were close enough to be a problem. It was the idea that they might get caught that aroused him, not the reality. He was panting with excitement but the time they reached their car. Thor crushed him against the door and kissed him hard, grinding against him and groping his ass.

Loki broke the kiss. “Open the fucking car Thor or I’m going to cum right here.”

“Fuck!” Thor hurried to do so and dropped the keys in his haste. Loki burst out laughing and Thor elbowed him in the ribs as he stood up from retrieving the keys. A few seconds later and they were both inside the car and sliding their seats back. Thor fumbled with his fly and Loki sat back watching him and glancing out at the rain shrouded parking lot.

“I ought to charge you double for making me wait in the rain.”

Thor got his zipper open and freed his cock. “Take your pants down.” 

Loki shook his head. “I agreed to a blow job. It costs more if you want to fuck me.”

“Lose the pants, or you can find another customer.” Thor growled. As if to emphasize his words, thunder rumbled overhead and the rain increased from a drizzle to a torrent.

Loki shivered, licked his lips and undid the front of his pants. “Looks like I don’t have a choice.” He said with a pout.

“You don’t.” He eyed the pale gleam of Loki’s skin catching the neon glow of the restaurant’s sign and the jut of his revealed cock. “Nice to see you enjoy your work. All the way down to your knees. Good. Now take off the hoodie and your shirt.”

“Thor, I’ll be practically naked!” Loki protested.

Thor’s hand shot out and caught him by the jaw. “You don’t get to call me by name. Strip you little cocksucker.”

Loki moaned and pulled off the offending clothes. He was panting, lips parted and pupils wide. Thor tugged at each of his nipples and he moaned again. Thor's broad hand stroked down his belly, his calloused palm rough on Loki’s smooth skin. Loki’s cock was grasped and Thor rubbed his thumb over the tip, spreading the slick of precum. Loki thrust into his grip, threw his head back and beat his fists on the dashboard.

Thor laughed, let him go and placed his hand on the back of Loki’s head, guiding him down to his groin. Loki went willingly. Thor switched hands, spat on the fingers of the right, leaned sideways and slipped them into the crevice of Loki’s ass.

“Oh god yes!” Loki moaned. He shifted onto his side to give Thor better access, wiggling his butt under Thor's palm. He opened his mouth and took Thor’s cock in with a desperation that made his cousin swear. 

Thor shoved his hips up and Loki’s head down, forcing him to gag on the thick length. Then his fingers found his cousin’s hole and he twisted them inside.

Loki gave a half choked scream, jerked his head up and pushed his ass up onto Thor’s impaling fingers. He grabbed a quick breath, circled his right hand around Thor’s cock, his left around his and went down on Thor like he was starving. 

Thor grunted and rocked into Loki’s wet sucking mouth and stroking hand. He loved how Loki was squirming, fucking his own rapidly stroking hand and rutting on Thor's probing fingers. All his reserve, all his bitterness was gone in his frantic pursuit of pleasure. Thor egged him on.

“That’s right baby, suck it. You like that, don’t you?”

Loki slurped up his length, lapped over the head and panted. “Call me a whore.” Then he pumped his hand and sucked Thor’s cock back inside the wet heat of his mouth.

“FUCK!” Thor bucked up into his cousin’s mouth and his hands tightened, one pulling strands of Loki’s hair out, and the fingers of the other digging into the meat of Loki’s ass and curing inside his hole. “Take it you hot little whore, you fucking slut.” He ground into Loki’s mouth feeling him gag. He roughly jerked Loki's head up by the hold on his hair and then pushed him back down, forcing his length into Loki's throat again and again. "Earn that gold boy!" 

Loki's moans were choked and his hand worked his own cock hard and fast. Every time Thor let him grab a breath he swore and spat at him. "Fuck gold. You're buying me platinum. And diamonds. I want rings in my cock. Four of them, you bastard. And in my balls! Yeah. Diamonds and emeralds! I'll fuck you up the ass with them."

"Damn You!" Thor said and pulled Loki off his cock with a wet pop.

Loki sat up and coughed, drool dripping from his chin. His eyes glittered and his grin was manic. The sound of the rain on the roof of the car was deafening and the thunder boomed like an artillery barrage. Thor seemed inspired by the storm's violence. He grabbed Loki’s thigh and dragged him across the center console and onto his lap. Loki had to bend over the steering wheel to fit, his head pressed to the windshield.

“I’m gonna fuck your ass whore!”

“Where’s my fucking money?” Loki snarled, squirming In Thor’s lap. He grasped his cousin’s spit slick cock and guided it to his hole.

“You want your goddamn money?” Thor growled. He dipped his left hand in his shirt pocket, pulled out the bills, pressed them to Loki’s panting mouth and then shoved them inside. “Take it!”

Loki did two things at once. He bit down hard on Thor’s fingers and he rammed his ass onto Thor’s cock.

Thor roared and jerked his fingers from Loki’s mouth. “YOU SHIT!” He grabbed Loki’s hips and pounded into his butt, bouncing Loki’s head off the windshield. 

Loki spat the money into his hand, laughed wildly and grabbed the steering wheel with one hand to brace himself. “Harder you bastard! Fuck my whore ass. You paid for it! Use it!”

There was an uncontrolled feral madness to Loki’s screams. Part of Thor knew this was wrong, but Loki’s bare ass was bouncing on his hips, and his tight hole was hot on his cock and he see Loki’s arm going up and down as he frantically jacked off. He shut his eyes and ignored the warning bells in favor of the burning need surging through his groin. 

“Did I pay enough for the whore to cum?” Thor rumbled and he bit Loki on the sweat slick muscle between his flexing shoulder and his long neck.

Loki gave an inarticulate cry and spasmed. His thrown back head rapped on the car's roof so hard it rebounded and his chin smacked the steering wheel, making him bite his tongue. His seed splattered on the dashboard as pain and pleasure exploded into a sickening tornado of sensation. It was overwhelming, too much, too good and too bad at the same time. Loki shivered and gasped trying to hold on to something as the world melted from his grasp.

And Thor was still fucking into him, slamming him up and down like a boat on a storm wracked sea. There was blood in his mouth and his skin was icy with sweat and his sore head kept bumping the roof of the car. He could hear Thor muttering. “Take it whore, take my cock you slut, earn your fucking money.” as he built toward his own release. 

Loki shut his eyes as shame and guilt and memories of similar occasions twisted into a hard knot of nausea. He held to the steering wheel and endured Thor’s last powerful thrusts and the jerk of his cock in his oversensitive asshole.

Then Thor was leaning on his back panting, a furnace at his back, his breath scorching, his arms around Loki’s waist trapping him in overwhelming heat. 

Loki struggled and pushed away, crawling to his own seat and fumbling with the door handle. He got it open and half fell out into the driving rain. Loki leaned against the car, his pants down around his ankles. He gasped for air, head down, trying to settle his heaving stomach, to no avail. He threw up. When he lifted his head, his cousin blinked at him like a particularly stupid owl. Loki looked from his cousin to his own hand resting on the door frame, still clenched in a fist, twenties peeking out between his fingers. When he straightened up he felt the warm slick of Thor’s seed spilling from his ass and running down his thighs.

“How could you?” Loki said softly. 

“What? Loki? Are you alright?” Thor asked confused.

Loki bent down, spit a second mouthful of bile onto the the pavement and pulled his rain sodden pants back up. When he raised his head again, his eyes were blazing. “HOW COULD YOU THOR?” he screamed and threw the money at Thor’s face. The bills fluttered harmlessly from his hand to land on the center console.

“GODDAMN IT!” Thor hollered back. “Don’t you pull this shit on me again. It was your idea. You wanted to play the whore with me, cousin.”

“And didn’t you just love it.” Loki snarled, his tears lost in the rain. “Finally getting what you’ve been paying for all this time. Getting to treat me like a piece of bought ass.”

“I’m not dealing with this here.” Thor said, zipping up his pants. “Get back in the car. We’re going home.”

Loki grabbed his shirt and hoodie off the car floor and backed away. “Fuck you.”

“For Christ's sake Loki, it’s pouring down rain. Get in the goddamned car and have your stupid temper tantrum at home.”

“Fuck off. I don’t need you! I don't your fucking house and your fucking money and YOUR FUCKING GODDAMNED PITY!.” Loki shouted backing further away. “Go to hell Thor.”

“Going to hell would better than dealing with your psycho ass for another minute.” Thor reached across the car and yanked the passenger door shut. 

Loki stood immobile as the car wheeled away, flinging a rooster tail of icy water over his already drenched head. He was still frozen in place, bare chested, his shirt and hoodie trailing in the puddling water as the tail lights became lost in distance and traffic.

“Thor?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki picks at his own wounds and ropes his cousin into helping him, until it goes too far.
> 
> Thor has his limits.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the ice.

The rain slowed to a drizzle, then to light mist. The parking lot emptied. The neon sign flickered and went dark. The back door of the restaurant opened and a teen dragging two bags of trash walked past where Loki sat huddled by the building. There was the clang of a dumpster lid. The teen stopped, looked at Loki and rubbed his nose. 

“Uh, Mister?” He rocked from foot to foot. “You uh, you okay?”

Loki looked at him blankly.

“Man, I don’t think you should be… uh. Look don’t the manager see you. He’s a turd. He hates homeless people. He’ll call the cops.”

From the depths of memory Loki dredged up the right words.

“Waiting. For a friend. To pick me up.”

“Uh, okay.” The boy looked like he wanted to say something more, but he turned and walked back into the restaurant.

The mist cleared. The furniture store lights clicked off. The final car started up and splashed out into the road. Loki sat against the side of the building clutching his shirt and hoodie to his chest. 

When headlights splashed across the building and flashed into his eyes, hope leapt into his heart, only to die when he realized it was not Thor’s sedan, but a white SUV that pulled up beside him. The window rolled down and the pale face of a woman peered at him. She looked vaguely familiar. 

“Loki?” 

He recognized her by her voice. She was about ten years older than the last time he’d seen her and her once long hair was cropped short. “Sif? Thor sent you?” 

“Yes. Get in.” She motioned to the other side of the car and Loki walked around, paused when he saw a anothr woman in the passenger seat, who was watching him suspiciously. 

“Back seat.” The black woman said. As Loki reached for the rear door he suddenly thought of all the things that could have stopped Thor from returning. 

“Is Thor alright? Why isn’t here? Did something happen to him?” He clambered into the seat shoving over some boxes that took up most of the space.

“He is alright now.” Sif said, her voice tight with anger.

They pulled out onto the road and headed west. 

“You’re going the wrong way.” Loki said in a small voice. “You should have turned right back there.”

“You aren’t going to Thor’s home. He’s arraigned for you to stay with my brother until you get back on your feet.”

Loki said nothing. He looked at the box under his elbow. It was packed with his books. His clothing was piled in the other boxes. The cold emptiness came back and he sat quietly. 

They were halfway across the city when Sif spoke again. “I’ve known Thor for most of my life and I have never seen him like this. Not even after his divorce. If it was up to me I’d dump you in the bay and let the crabs deal with you. It’s for his sake that I’m driving you up to LA. He’s had enough shit to deal with. He doesn’t need your crap too.”

Loki nodded. The ice was closing over his heart. 

“Don’t you dare fuck up this chance he’s giving you. For some reason he still cares. I do not want to have to talk my best friend out of suicide, because some selfish prick decided to off themselves out of spite. You owe him.“

Loki nodded again. The ice closed around his throat, filled his belly and walled away every feeling. The freeway lights flickered like a strobe, counting off the miles. She was right. He owed Thor. Owed him a life he no longer wanted. But it wasn’t his anymore. It was Thor’s. Thor’s gift. He wouldn’t squander it. He owed Thor that.

It was still dark, only a little after one when they pulled into the parking garage of an apartment building. Sif announced their arrival on her phone. She and her friend each carried up a box of clothes and Loki followed with his books. Heimdall met them on the second floor, gave both woman a hug and Loki a nod. They exchanged a few words, Sif hugged her older brother, handed him a package and she and her friend departed for the drive back to San Diego. Heimdall picked up their boxes and led Loki up one more flight of stairs. The apartment was small, but comfortably furnished and smelled of pine cleaner. Loki was shown to a tiny bedroom that held only a twin bed and a chest of drawers with a mirror over the back. 

“I imagine you are tired. I will leave you to get settled in. The bathroom is on your left. We can speak in the morning.” Heimdall said. He put his hand on Loki’s shoulder. “You are not unwelcome here.”

Loki nodded.

“Not only Thor’s sake, but for your own. Good night Loki.”

“Don’t fuck this up.” He thought. He was filthy, ice cold and his clothing was still damp. “What would a person who wasn’t going to fuck this up, do? Get cleaned up.” That sounded reasonable. Loki retrieved a pair of pajama pants and a T-shirt and took a quick shower. He remembered to spread out the towel when he hung it to dry as Thor had insisted he do at home. Back in the room he decided a person who wasn’t going to fuck this up would unpack their things in the morning so they would not disturb their roommate further. He carefully folded the dirty clothes and placed them beside the boxes, turned off the light and lay down on the unfamiliar bed. The springs creaked under his weight and the blankets were a little too light for the coolness of the room. Someone who wasn’t going to fuck this up would go to sleep now, so they do what needed to be done in the morning. Loki closed his eyes and repeated his new mantra. 

The dawn light filtered through the gauzy curtains revealing palm fronds outside his window. He waited until he heard Heimdall stirring before he got up, dressed and left his room. He stood in the galley kitchen unsure of what to do. Would he fuck this up if he made coffee? Or if he didn’t. Should he even look for the coffee? Heimdall solved his dilemma by filling the pot at the sink and directing Loki to the filters and canister. Loki put in the filter and then held up the scoop. 

“One.” Heimdall said. Loki noticed there were touches of grey in his hair. Heimdall was older than his sister by fifteen years, having already graduated high school when his parents adopted the daughter of his father’s air force buddy. He’d followed in his father’s footsteps, though it was collage and flight school for him and then the life of a commercial pilot after he left the service. He was dressed in his pilot's uniform now as he took down bowls and a box of cereal.

“All I have this morning.”

Loki nodded, accepted the bowl and added the same amount of milk as his host did. He replaced the jug in the refrigerator and followed Heimdall to the bar that did duty as a table. They ate in silence. When Heimdall went to get the coffee Loki stood also, uncertain if he should follow or stay where he was. Heimdall gave him a searching look and handed him a filled cup.

“Would you like cream or sugar?”

Loki shook his head no.

“You are allowed to talk.”

Loki nodded. He didn’t have anything to say and it seemed pointless to say that.

Heimdall picked up the package that Sif had passed him the night before. He took out a small stack of bills and a ring of keys and placed them in front of Loki. 

“There is enough cash here to get you through the next two weeks. You will need buy your groceries and I suggest getting a bus pass. The uber fees quickly add up. You will have a bank account in a day or two. Your rent and utilities are paid for the next two months. You can stay longer if you wish, or you can move out. I'm often out of town and I'm leaving in an hour to fly to Singapore. House rules. No drugs, no parties, and no drinking to excess. Nothing illegal. I expect you to keep your room clean and maintain the common areas. The laundry is downstairs, the key is on your ring. You buy your own food and toiletries. Do you have any questions?” 

Loki shook his head. 

Heimdall took a phone from the end of the bar where it was charging. “This is your phone. It is also paid for the next two months. You’ll have to set it up. He handed Loki a sheet of paper. This is the bank where your account will be, along with the password and user ID, the Wi-Fi password, and the number for the mental health clinic and doctor your doctor in San Diego recommended.” Heimdall tapped the paper. “These are emergency hot lines and this is my phone number. There are several things to do here within walking distance. You may want to spend some time getting to know the area, before you start your job hunt. Thor mentioned that you used to work in the theater. There is a small one four blocks to the south.”

He passed Loki a thin sealed envelope. “This is from Thor. I was told to give it to you when I thought you were ready for it. But you are not a child. I trust that you will know when you wish to read it. Make yourself at home, feel free to watch TV, stream movies, play games or listen to music, just don’t disturb the neighbors."

He glanced at the clock. “I’ll be back in three days.” 

Loki nodded again.

“Give me your word you will not harm yourself.”

Loki opened his mouth but no sound came out. He looked around. There was a pen at the end of the bar and he picked it up, tore a piece off the bottom of the paper and wrote. 

“I won’t fuck this up.” Loki paused and then signed and dated the paper and handed it to Heimdall. 

Heimdall read it, folded it and put it in his pocket. “I will hold you to this.” He gave Loki’s shoulder a squeeze. “Give it time Loki.” Then he picked up his bag and left. 

Loki returned the things to their package, finished his now lukewarm coffee, washed the dishes and went to his room. He unpacked the boxes, folded up two of them and put them in his closet and left the third on the floor for his dirty clothes. The laptop was wrapped in a sweater and his eyes grew blurry when he took it out, but he repeated his mantra and they cleared. He stacked his books and notebooks on top of the dresser. 

Loki removed the items from the package again. The money he divided. The amount for groceries he put in his wallet, and the rest he tucked under the mattress, having no better hiding place. He pocketed the keys and then spent a half hour setting up the phone and putting in passwords and phone numbers. He looked at the letter last. His name on the front in Thor’s handwriting. He didn’t know if he would fuck this up by opening it now, but he suspected he might. He put it on the closet shelf, patted it and then left the apartment. He needed to get on with this life Thor had given him and sitting around in the apartment didn’t seem like something that one wanting to not fuck this up would do.

It was surprisingly easy to not fuck up the rest of the morning. He was able to buy everything he needed at a corner deli grocery store and there was no need to talk when pointing would do. He returned to the apartment put the groceries away and then went back out to explore the neighborhood.

Loki found the playhouse just past a tiny neighborhood park, its slightly shabby front sandwiched by a convenience store to the left and an Italian restaurant to the right. It was a repertory theater, with a list of plays posted in the window. The place was closed this early in the day. Loki wrote down the performance times and contact information in the small note pad he’d bought earlier with his groceries. He stopped at the store, bought a soda and returned to the park. 

The few benches were filled and small children raced around the puddled playground shrieking and laughing. It felt good to be surrounded with so many happy, albeit noisy and somewhat muddy people and Loki smiled. He sat on the raised concrete edge of the playground, pulled out his phone and looked up the mental health clinic. They had a website and a map and Loki wrote out the address. It was less than a mile away, the day was pleasantly warm so he decided it was rational to walk. 

The neighborhood was in transition, part of it was still older buildings that had been converted into boutiques and restaurants and specialty stores and part was new megastores and multi storied upscale housing. He passed a Spanish colonial police station, a gingerbread laden Victorian house that was now a lawyer’s office and a concrete block of a building with small barred windows which turned out to be not a jail, but a dance studio. The mental health clinic was one of a cluster of medical buildings in the tinted glass and white stucco style so favored by the designers of bland professional establishments. Inside there was a long desk separating clients from staff and manned by a brisk middle aged lady who asked,

“New patient?”

Loki nodded.

“Do you have an appointment?”

He shook his head.

She handed him a clipboard and pen. “Fill this out and return it that lady over there.”

Loki nodded again. This time he was much more concise in filling out the sheets and quickly turned in the completed paper work and the insurance card Thor had given him. He took a seat, picked up a magazine and was deep in a story about a woman’s adventures exploring underwater caves when his name was called. 

“Mr. Borson. You are in luck, Dr. Rice has had a cancellation can see you this afternoon at four. Can return then?” 

Loki nodded and the lady handed him an appointment card.

“Please call and let us know if you can’t make it.” Loki smiled, nodded, and left. 

Consulting his phone he found he needed a bank account or credit card to buy a bus pass. The nearest employment agency was ten miles away but the closet library was only a few blocks from his present location. Loki bought a sandwich for lunch and spent the next few hours at the library filling out job applications and opening accounts in various job search aps. 

He returned to the clinic a few minutes before his appointment ,checked in and presently was called back.

Dr. Rice was a small wiry man with firm handshake, an axe of a nose, bright black eyes and an air of intense interest and barely repressed physical energy. When they were seated in his office he said,  
“I had Dr. Wilson forward your records and I’ve been going over them. I see your first and only appointment was Monday?”

Loki nodded.

“Were you planning on relocating then?”

Loki shook his head.

“Can you tell me why you suddenly decided to move to Los Angeles?”

Loki frowned and shook his head. 

Dr. Rice leaned forward, interlaced his fingers and said. 

“Can you tell me anything?”

Loki opened his mouth but there were no words. The ice had taken them all away. He closed his mouth and shook his head.

“Then why are you here, Mr. Borson?”

Loki fished in his pocket, took out his note pad and wrote. 

“So I won’t fuck this up.”

Dr. Rice looked at the pad and glanced up at Loki.

Loki smiled. 

He was doing everything right today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you keep saying the wrong things, maybe the solution is to not say anything at all.  
> Sometimes the road forward has a lot of backtracking. We go back to Thor next chapter. It will get better. I promise.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor tries to find his way.  
> Loki takes a break.

Thor sat with his head in his hands, an empty beer bottle in front of him, its drained mates in the trash. It was four in the morning and he hadn’t been able to get drunk. Or if he was drunk it didn’t help. His head was fuzzy, and his heart was a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. He’d done everything he knew how to do and still he had failed. Again.

He loved his cousin and yet, right now he wished with every iota of his being that he did not. If he wasn’t in love then he wouldn’t have let Loki get under his skin. He would have seen his manipulation and not fallen for it. Loki might have had a chance to get better if he had watched over him like a big brother, rather than become trapped in his own infatuation. 

Instead he’d fallen in with Loki's games and danced to his tune. Thor ran his hand through his already rumpled hair. Looking back Thor could see all the warning signs, how Loki had grown increasingly dependent on him. How he kept using sex to distract him or win Thor’s approval or forgiveness. How he was at best ambivalent and at worst hostile after their lovemaking. How every sexual encounter was laced with either violence or degradation.

Thor felt sick. He'd wanted to cherish and care for and protect Loki and instead Loki kept trying to entice him into the role of either physical or mental abuser. He’d fought so hard to not be like his father, or worse his abusive Uncle. But with Loki his worst traits came to the surface. He couldn’t deny he felt powerful when Loki played the part of seductive plaything or when he taunted Thor to get more and more aggressive and then turned into this passionate wild creature that screamed for his attentions. He'd gone along when Loki would push him further until Thor was saying or doing things he regretted. At the moment when he was coming down from the high of sex and control and feeling his most vulnerable, when he was second guessing what he’d just done. That’s when Loki would attack, ripping into Thor without regard. As if Thor was invulnerable to his cutting words.

Thor rubbed his aching temples. He could not think clearly about Loki anymore. He looked at the empty kitchen in the bleak grey light. He hoped he had done the right thing. He hoped Loki would be all right. Thor knew **he** needed to be away from his cousin.

Guilt clawed at him again. He should not have left Loki in the rain, but what was he supposed to do when his cousin refused to get in the car. Chase him all over the parking lot and force him inside the car? Wait for Loki to calm down when there was a better than even chance he’d get worse as long as Thor was there for him to vent his craziness on? Getting either of them arrested wasn’t going to defuse the situation.

Calling Sif last night was about the only intelligent things he’d done. She’d calmed him down, let him talk. And listened. She’d listened to his doubts and his fears and his confusion. And when he’d finally faced the truth, that he was sacrificing himself on the altar of Loki’s madness, she’d been there to help him find a way out. She called her brother so Loki would have a place to stay. She helped Thor set up everything to get Loki settled in LA. She and Val had packed up Loki’s few possessions and went hunting for him. Thor knew if he saw his cousin again, he would forgive him, take him back and they would be playing the same destructive games in an hour. 

He was deeply grateful to his friend and her lover. When they found Loki, Val had texted Thor that he was okay and Sif called after he was in Heimdall’s care and promised him that Heimdall would call him in the morning. 

Thor rubbed his temples again, he should go to bed, try to get some sleep. But that meant walking past Loki’s room, now empty of both his cousin and his belongings. It meant acknowledging that Loki was gone, that Thor had gone back on his promise and once again abandoned him to his own fate. 

Thor knew it was his own weakness that caused this. He wasn’t strong enough to resist the temptation to indulge his own brutal impulses. Loki said he trusted Thor, but Thor no longer trusted himself. He sure as hell didn’t trust his chaotic cousin. He prayed Loki would be able to get his life together away from Thor and Andrew Gast and all the broken relationships of the past. 

Maybe Loki would understand. Maybe he could forgive him. It was a forlorn hope but the only thing Thor had left to hang onto. 

Thor put his down and closed his eyes. He’d go upstairs in a few minutes. 

 

Thor woke to the sound of his phone, a foul taste in his mouth, his head pounding, his neck stiff and his cheek wet with drool. He reached for it, his hand cramped and half asleep knocked it across the table, caught it before it hit the floor and answered,  
“Heimdall? Is, is he alright?”

“Good morning Thor. He is as well as can be expected. How are you doing?”

Thor could hear the sounds of people and the low roar of a plane in the background.

“What do you mean as well as can be expected?”

“He is shocked. I doubt he slept last night. However he took a shower before going to bed and he was up and dressed them morning. He ate breakfast, and promised he would not harm himself. Again I ask, how are you doing this morning?”

“I’m…” Thor rubbed his forehead. “I’m hungover.”

“Hmmm. So now you know drinking does not improve a bad situation. What are your plans for today?”

“I don’t have any.”

“You have no projects?” 

“A couple. Nothing I can’t put off.”

“Don’t put them off. Food and a shower is the best cure for a hangover. Then go to work. Get through today. Don’t worry about him. Loki is a survivor. You are the one I’m concerned for.”

There was the blare of an intercom.

“I’ve got to go. I’ll call you Tuesday.”

“Thank you, for all you’ve done. I don’t know what…”

“Take care of yourself.” Heimdall said and the call ended.

The shower helped. It washed away the stink and it warmed him and he could cry without being covered in the evidence of his own sorrow. The food helped, though it was only cold cereal and coffee. He had a bad moment getting into the car, but he drove with the windows down and the fresh clean air of the rain washed city and the bright sunshine lifted his mood a little.  
There was work to do and for a while Thor almost forgot the disaster his personal life in the business of combining engineered strength, practical needs and aesthetics into a pleasing and functional whole. Almost forgot. He checked his phone every hour and felt a pang of loneliness when there was no message. Well he could live with that for now. He only had to get through today.

**

Doctor Rice nodded and leaned back, appraising Loki. 

“I have some paperwork to get through before I leave for the day. If you want you can stay until you feel like talking.” He motioned to the small couch, a litter of coloring books and crayons at one end. “If you would be more comfortable you can stretch out on the sofa.”

Loki nodded, moved to the couch and held up the crayons and books. 

“Just put those on the floor.” Dr. Rice said turning to his computer.

Loki laid down on the couch, a throw pillow under his head. The upholstery was nubby and smelled of peanut butter and it sagged in the middle. But there was something comforting in the small box filled with toys pushed against the desk and the family photos and children’s drawings that covered the pale peach walls. The low hum of the white noise machine and the steady tap of the doctor’s fingers on the keyboard was lulling. Loki’s eyes closed and he slept for the first time since yesterday morning.

 

“Mr. Borson?” Someone was shaking his shoulder.

“Thor?” Loki said opening his sleep sticky eyes. 

“No. I’m Dr. Rice. Do you know where you are?”

Loki glanced around the room, the light held more gold and the clock told him he’d slept for two hours.  
“Yes. Your office.”

“Good. I can give you forty minutes if you are up to talking now.”

“I don’t think I am. I feel like I might break if I talk about it.”

“Alright then we won’t. May I ask you some questions?”

Loki nodded and then said “Yes.”

“Do you feel you are in danger of harming yourself?”

“No.”

“Do you feel you are in danger of harming anyone else.”

“No.” he shook his head. “I already did that.”

“Physically?”

“No. I… I can’t”

“It’s alright. We won’t talk about that until you are ready. Is there anything you feel you can talk about?”

Loki sat and thought for a few moments. “Do you ever feel like it’s too much? Do you ever want to run away from everything? Everything in your life?”

Dr. Rice nodded. “Yes, frequently. I work with a lot of children. Kids in bad situations, who have survived some horrific things. It gets to me.”

“So what do you do?

The doctor propped one sneaker clad foot on the desk. “I run away.”

Loki cocked his head. 

“I run away from my problems. I run as far and as fast as I can until I can’t run any longer. Then I walk back.”

“Oh. That works?”

“Usually. We have that instinct for a reason. Exercise helps your brain work better.”

Loki nodded. “Not talking helped me today. Is that wrong?”

“It’s only wrong if it hurts you or someone else. If it’s easier to not talk for now, then don’t. But remember it’s your choice. You can speak if you choose to do so.”

Loki took a deep breath and let it back out. “I will.”

“Anything else?”

Loki shook his head.

Dr. Rice stood up and extended his hand. “I have an open appointment at four every Tuesday. I look forward to working with you Mr. Borson.”

Loki took his hand after a moment of hesitation and shook it. “Tuesday at four is good. Call me Loki.”

“Very well Loki. Try running. You might be surprised.” 

On the way back to the apartment he stopped at the park and tried running. He felt foolish and conspicuous as he jogged around the perimeter in jeans and a t-shirt. He decided he didn’t give a damn about the suspicious looks he was getting and started to pour on the speed. Faster and faster he ran, heels kicking up mud as he splashed through the drying puddles, his breath burning in his too tight throat and tears streaking his face. Then he wasn’t splashing through the puddles but leaping over them, his pace slower, leaping not in a hurdler’s bound but executing a dancer’s Jete. Now it was no longer a frantic escape but a dance of his ragged emotions, the music was the beat of his heart the whoosh of his breath the sound of his feet as he leapt and spun. He was too long out of practice, too tired, his technique was crap and his rhythm off, and he skidded on the wet grass, came down too hard on the packed dirt but it felt good to dance again. Not the careful exercises he’d been doing at Thor’s house but a wild physical exultation at simply being alive. He finally stopped when a fumbled landing sent him to his knees. When he got to his feet and wiped sweat from his eyes he saw smiles and a few of the children clapped. Loki bowed to his unintentional audience, flashed a soft smile and left the park.

It was late in the evening and Loki was sitting on Heimdall’s couch, drinking a soda, eating cheese crackers and watching a giant tarantula attack a small Arizona town when his laptop chimed with a message. Loki glanced at it expecting another work from home or teach in China offer. He’d been getting then since he got back. It was from Thor.

Loki turned back to the movie. Twenty minutes later, after the giant spider died thrashing in flames, and the credits rolled across the screen, Loki reached for lap top read Thors message.

"Are you Okay?"

Loki thought about it. He sent.

“Yes.”

“We need to talk.”

“No. Not now.”

There was a pause for ten minutes while Loki ejected the disc, cleaned up cracker crumbs and tossed the soda bottle in the trash. He was brushing his teeth when the laptop chimed again.  
Loki spat out toothpaste, rinsed out his mouth, dried his face and hands. Back in his room he checked the message. Thor again.

“I love you.” 

Loki took a deep breath. Let it out and typed,

“I love you also. Goodnight Thor.”

Loki undressed, brushed his hair and put on his pajamas. Then the laptop chimed a final time.

“Goodnight Loki.”

Loki nodded, turned off the computer and the light and laid down, pulling the blankets up to his chin. He was asleep in seconds.

**

Thor closed his phone. Hope flickered in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little light.  
> Thor may come across as this big strong steady person, but he's as human as the next guy. There comes a time when you have to take a step back and protect yourself. That probably wasn't the best moment, but we all make mistakes.
> 
> Now its Loki who is setting up boundaries. He is too wounded to even begin to process his pain. Silence can be a coping mechanism. Yes, even in the midst of grief, there are moments of happiness.


End file.
